


Let Me Be Your Friend

by JustAPotatoWriter (AwkwardPotatoWriter)



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Characters Will Be Tagged When Their Time Comes, Gen, I Write Broken People, I'm A Broken Writer, I'm Bad At Tagging, If You Have An Unstable Mentality, May Include Mentions And/Or Descriptions Of Panic Attacks, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Might be confusing, My OC Is Broken, Platonic Relationships, Probably Contains Triggers, Saeran Gets Broken Too, Tags May Change, Trust Issues, You Have Been Warned, You probably shouldn't read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 19:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13418286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardPotatoWriter/pseuds/JustAPotatoWriter
Summary: Just as he starts to think things are okay, Saeran meets a man who can only be described by one word Saeran loathed: confusing.But that's not the main problem; he wants to befriend Saeran, and it's getting harder to ignore. It reaches a point where Saeran is unable to keep up his act...He knew he shouldn't have taken that call.





	1. Tension

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, readers!  
> I'm a potato who writes stuff. That's all you need to know.  
> I've had the idea in my head for a while and I only decided to put it in action now.
> 
> But before we start, I would like to point out a few things:
> 
> -While you're not obliged to, I would love it if you leave some comments for me; whether you liked it, hated it, spotted a typo or an inconsistency. If you have any tips, don't hesitate to share.
> 
> -And if you don't feel comfortable posting anything, that's also okay! :D I understand how tough commenting is. I don't know how to leave good comments either. 
> 
> -And if you happen to hate the chapter, don't hate me for asking about the reason. I need you opinion to shape the story better for my ideal reader. Every point of view matters.
> 
> -Most importantly, I hope you enjoy reading.

Saeran was very uncomfortable.

But there was nothing he could do. He wasn’t brave enough to speak up. He didn’t want Yoosung to blame himself for his discomfort. And he was afraid it was starting to show on his movement and posture.

He was too tense and he knew it.

All because of one person.

That person happened to be sitting right across the table, on his phone, typing at a non-uniform pace. His black hair fell over his face and eyes. Saeran was glad; that meant no eye contact. He didn’t even like this person.

If only Yoosung didn’t invite him…

Saeran didn’t want to be smug, but Yoosung looked like he regretted it. He spoke less than one would expect him to, and he seemed to be affected by the awkwardness in the air.

The only one who seemed fine was Haruka—the black-haired man sitting across Saeran. He didn’t speak much. Occasionally, Haruka would look up from his phone. That was either when someone walked into the shop or when Yoosung spoke. His blue eyes met Saeran’s eyes a few times, and they wrecked his nerves.

Like, okay; Saeran knew he wasn’t very good at reading expressions, but God! This man was his worst nightmare! There were no expressions for him to read in the first place!

He didn’t want to think about it much, but it was too unnerving to be ignored. It made him nervous—his leg was already restless. But he shouldn’t pay too much attention. He kept reminding himself; too much anxiety meant panic, and he was supposed to get over that. He should take things easy. It’s not like he was forced to talk to Haruka, is it? He doesn’t _need_ to read his ‘expressions’.

“So, uh, about the assignment…”

Saeran turned his attention to Yoosung as he spoke. Yoosung was looking at Haruka. Haruka stopped typing and looked up, directly at Yoosung. His gaze was blank, but intense. It was definitely nothing like Yoosung’s warm gaze.

“Yes?”

Even his voice was blank. He was unreadable. Saeran might as well give up on trying; this man was more robotic than Jumin. How can such a person exist?

“I was thinking we should get it done by the end of this week,” Yoosung sounded nervous. Was it an assignment gone wrong?

“We would have finished it two weeks ago if you had listened to me,” Haruka turned back to his phone, still talking I his monotonous voice. “There is a good reason why a leader—me—was assigned to supervise the project: _so that it doesn’t go wrong_.”

Yoosung fell quiet. Saeran almost glared at Haruka. How could he be so cold and rude to someone who was probably trying their best? Saeran knew that Yoosung was taking college seriously now. Haruka had absolutely no right to be this uncaring towards him.

But life never worked like that, did it? People never take other people seriously. Apparently, Haruka was no different. That left Saeran to wonder how Yoosung ever befriended someone like that.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Yoosung said. “We thought the crystals were cool—“

“It’s not about cool, Yoosung. This reaction needs at least 8 hours to take effect.” Haruka cut him off—again, with the same cold voice. “The professor wants to see results. And borax crystals are really common.”

“She wanted something simple—” Yoosung pointed out.

“She wanted simple experiments with immediate results.” Haruka cut him off for the third time. “The point of choosing simple experiments is to see the results when the experiment is carried out.”

Saeran didn’t want to cause trouble, but he wanted to punch the hell out of the Haruka-guy. His way of speaking unnerved him—not to mention he was speaking like that to _Yoosung._

Maybe Yoosung was being too nice to him? Yoosung is a friendly person; it didn’t take Saeran much time to be more open with him. He was honest, understanding, friendly, caring-the list goes on…

But how did he ever manage to get to know such a person? Haruka didn’t even look at Yoosung when he spoke. (Well, Saeran didn’t look at him that much either, but he had a good reason!)

“We should discuss this with the others,” Yoosung said with a sigh. He sounded like he didn’t want to discuss the project ever again.

“If they don’t start working with us soon, I’ll have to remove their names from the report.”

Yoosung rolled his eyes. He didn’t seem anywhere near annoyed or frustrated at Haruka. The tension on Saeran’s part made him feel confused. Yoosung was tense, wasn’t he? Why was he smiling now?

A phone buzzed; it was Haruka’s. Apparently, he got a message, because he put it back in his pocket and got up. “I have to leave now. See you at school, Yoosung.” He straightened his black sweater. As he passed Saeran, he muttered a quiet ‘goodbye’ and left.

Saeran exhaled and almost melted into his chair. Yoosung laughed a little when he glared at him.

“You shouldn’t have asked him to come with us.”

“I’m sorry. I thought you two would get along.”

Saeran shot him a look and turned back to his half-eaten ice cream. He frowned. He was too tense to eat in Haruka’s presence, and his ice cream was more like liquid sorrow now.

“Get along…. Right….” He muttered, pushing his not-so-ice-cream away and leaning on the table, hiding his face.

“What’s wrong?” Yoosung’s hand touched his shoulder lightly. Saeran sighed.

“Why is he so mean to you?”

No answer. Saeran glanced up; Yoosung looked confused.

“Mean? He’s not mean.”

Was Yoosung under a spell or something?

“He is,” Saeran insisted. “He talks to you like you don’t have feelings.”

“No, Haruka talks to everyone like that.”

“Then he’s mean to everyone,”

Saeran sighed again. He was tired. His body felt like he had been running for several hours without break; he was aching. The tension was taking its toll on him. It wasn’t a new feeling, but the fact that _just one person_ caused him that much anxiety…

He never wanted to be in that situation again.

“I should go home now. I’m tired,” he said, getting up. “You should get going too— I-I mean to find time for your assignment…”

When Yoosung laughed, Saeran knew he got the meaning across—it did sound like he was a bit annoyed. It was hard to hide his frustration. He just didn’t want Yoosung to think it was because of him.

But of course, Yoosung wouldn’t think that. He was nice and understanding.

“I’ll walk you home first,” Yoosung offered as he got up. They both left the ice cream shop. Yoosung talked about school and his project to Saeran on their way back to the bunker. From what Saeran understood, Haruka was the leader of a team of four. They were supposed to do research and perform an experiment in front of the whole class.

_In front of a whole mother-loving class._

“Haruka has been quite stressed for the past week,” Yoosung explains. “The other two aren’t really cooperating.”

“He didn’t look stressed.”

“He never does. It takes a while to know how he’s feeling. We’re on good terms, so he tells me when he’s bothered with stuff.”

It was hard to picture Haruka’s face with any expression on it. It didn’t look like he was capable of looking anything but neutral.

No matter; Saeran wasn’t going to see him again. Whether he was nice or not, people who cause mental exhaustion should be avoided as much as possible. He didn’t want his brother’s efforts to go waste.

“Okay, I’ll go home now,” Yoosung said as they arrived at the bunker. Saeran didn’t want Yoosung to leave, but he knew he had to work on the assignment.

“Okay… I’ll see you sometime… Right?” he asked. God, he was nervous. He never really knew what to say in situations like this. Anything he said sounded awkward or dumb, especially with goodbyes. Why was communicating so complicated?

“Yup! We could celebrate getting the assignment done next week.”

We? Was he talking about Haruka? Or did he mean him and Saeyoung by that? Saeyoung would definitely love to celebrate, though…

Saeran decided not to ask. He didn’t want to show that he didn’t like Haruka that much, especially when Yoosung is so fond of him.

“T-take care…” he said as Yoosung walked away. Yoosung waved at him and smiled. Soon, he was out of sight.

Now Saeran had to deal with his brother. Putting on his best ‘I’m-alright’ face, he entered the code to the door and smiled a little when it opened without trouble. The bunker was too quiet for his liking. He checked the clock; it was too early for Saeyoung to be asleep. It wasn’t even night yet.

“Hyung, I’m back!” he called, but he got no answer. Fear started to creep in. Usually, even when Saeyoung was busy with whatever, he would come out when Saeran called for him. But he didn’t…

Was he okay?

Saeran went to his brother’s room; Saeyoung wasn’t there. Saeran breathed deeply. He shouldn’t assume things. Saeyoung knew how to take care of himself. He knew how much Saeran would worry… He won’t get himself in trouble, right?

But anything was possible…

He started to feel an all-too-familiar clench in his chest. It was a bad sign. He had to confirm his brother was okay soon… Or Saeyoung will be forced to try and calm him down for the next two hours.

The computer room; he had to be there. Maybe he was working on something and fell asleep. Yes… That had to be it. He fell asleep with music on. That’s why he didn’t hear him.

When he peeked into the room, he sighed in relief. Saeyoung did fall asleep, but he wasn’t working; he was watching cat videos. Saeran wasn’t going to question it. At least he would have time to calm down before his brother wakes up. Saeyoung tended to get very worried when Saeran showed signs of panic.

He should do something to calm down. Maybe he should write a new entry in his journal. He had a lot to say about that Haruka guy—

No. That would probably make him angry. He should sketch instead. Maybe a dog… No, a cat. He could sketch Saeyoung with a cat. It’s not like Saeyoung will find his sketch anyway, right?

As long as it took his mind away from the day’s events, it was okay. He’d pay anything not to be in such a weird, tense situation again.

He was quick to change his mind, however. Later that night, Saeran found himself unable to fall asleep. His mind was storming with thoughts.

He couldn’t blame anyone but himself. He shouldn’t have taken Yoosung’s call.

_‘Haruka… He wants to be friends with you…’_

Like hell that’s ever gonna happen.


	2. First Move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just hope there are no typos here...

Saeyoung was always good at reading Saeran’s emotions. Well, not always—that’s exaggerated—but Saeyoung managed to read him exactly when he didn’t want to be read. It was quite annoying, especially because Saeyoung tended to worry about him. He didn’t want to burden Saeyoung with something he doesn’t have to deal with.

But Saeyoung wouldn’t let him get away with it.

“Did something happen yesterday?”

That was the sixth or seventh time already. They were watching a movie. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie at all; which was probably why Saeyoung noticed that something was off. _Again._

“I told you it’s nothing,”

“I don’t believe you. You’re spacing out more than usual,” Saeyoung scooted closer.

“More than usual? Do you watch me in your free time?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

Saeran didn’t actually mean to change the subject—he really wanted an answer. Or maybe Saeyoung was the one changing the subject…

But he just brushed it off. It’s not like Saeyoung would answer him, anyway.

“It’s just…” he paused. Should he tell him? He’ll understand the situation, right? He’s been around people more than Saeran was; he definitely has some experience.

“Look, there is this person,” Saeran began, scooting away a little to get space. “I met him yesterday. He’s Yoosung’s friend.”

“Yoosung might have mentioned him before…”

“He has a face void of expression and a voice that sounds like the talkback voice of a phone.” Saeran smiled a little when Saeyoung laughed.

“Sounds like Jumin,”

“That’s what I thought too,” Saeran continued. “And he’s very quiet. Yoosung said he was anxious, but his eyes didn’t look like it.” Saeran didn’t want to remember his stare; emotionless and unreadable.

“He made you anxious? Is that why you’re bothered?” Saeyoung asked. He had scooted closer to Saeran, but Saeran didn’t mind it this time.

“Well, yeah but… That’s not the problem. He wants to be my friend.”

He sighed. Saeyoung looked like he was registering.

“Expressionless-guy wants to be your friend, but he makes you anxious, so you’re not sure if you can be friends or not. Is that what you mean?”

Saeran was trying not to smile, but Saeyoung’s ability to understand him was something. He nodded.

“Hmm… I’d say you should go for it. Maybe you’ll find things in common. It could be pretty nice.” Saeyoung said after a pause. “But I’d be wary. If he causes you anxiety, you should try to limit your time with him. At least until you get more comfortable with him.”

“You think this is a good idea?”

Saeyoung gives him a long look of thought.

“Well… He approached you, so he must have seen something in you that he liked.” Saeyoung said with a shrug. “Your charismatic way of speaking or something,”

Now he was messing around. Saeran could see it on his face. He punched him in the arm lightly—well, a little harder than lightly.

“Saeyoung, I’m serious.”

“Me too,”

“Liar,”

“I am! Maybe he liked how quiet you were,”

Saeran wasn’t quite sure why this sounded a little…creepy. Because Saeyoung was suggesting it with his stupid grin? He got up and sighed.

“I’ll give it a thought,” he said. Maybe… Maybe Haruka wasn’t as bad as he thought. It was the first time he saw him, so…

But his bossiness towards Yoosung was still annoying. If he was this bossy, why didn’t he force the other two students in their group to work?

“Take your time. And remember not to stress yourself.” Saeyoung said. He got up and gave Saeran a long hug. Saeran hugged back—lightly. “I’ll go finish some work now. The set of plugins is almost complete.”

“Just don’t fall asleep watching cat videos.” Saeran said with a smirk.

“You saw me?!”

Saeran bolted to his room before Saeyoung could follow him. Usually, he would tickle him till he ‘learns his lesson”, but whatever. Saeran wasn’t up for tickling. His mind was busy with useless thoughts.

Thoughts about befriending someone _he doesn’t like yet._

Why was he thinking too much of it? Did he want to have more friends? The RFA people were enough, even though he only contacts one of them regularly. (He didn’t count Saeyoung)

He sat down at his desk and grabbed his phone. He sent a text to Yoosung, asking him for Haruka’s number. Yoosung seemed excited; he was bombarding his text with emojis. And he sent the message ‘I know you two will be good friends!’ more than four times.

Now, Saeran had Haruka’s number. He saved it and drew a blank-faced man for a profile picture. It looked a little like him. He could make an accurate sketch later…

_If he ever becomes friends with Haruka, that is…_

Should he text him now? Or should he think this over again? He didn’t want to rush things, but he was afraid his determination might waver if he waits for too long. Especially when it wasn’t certain if he’d ever see Haruka again. (Unless Yoosung invites him somewhere)

He put his phone away; he wasn’t ready to decide yet. Maybe he should send it tomorrow. He shouldn’t rush. He had all the time in the world.

Instead, he decided to play LOLOL. Yoosung was usually online now. They could play together—

Oh, wait… He had an assignment. He wouldn’t be playing now; at least not with Haruka leading the team. And now, he was back to thinking about what to do again.

He should just get over with it. If he makes it clear to Haruka that he wouldn’t open up quickly, Haruka will understand. Right?

Well, it was worth a try. If it didn’t work out, he wouldn’t be attached to Haruka and letting go will be easy. And Haruka didn’t seem like the type to get attached.

And it was only a text message; nothing serious.

But why was he hesitating so much? _It’s just a damn message._ He wasn’t talking to Haruka face-to-face. (Or rather face-to-block. A white, empty block…)

He typed the message three times, trying to find out the right way to phrase it.

God… If Haruka knew what he was really like…

It was so dumb. Reading the message made him feel sick; it was nothing like him. He could try to find a better way to phrase it, but he knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with whatever he decides. He’ll never sound friendly and Saeran-like at the same time to a stranger. He should just…get on with it.

It took him a few minutes of convincing himself this was rational, but he finally sent the message.

He sent it.

 

 **Saeran:** It’s Saeran, Yoosung’s friend.

 **Saeran:** He told me you wanted to be friends

 **Saeran:** so I, uh, thought I should text first.

 

He could sense his own awkwardness emitting from the messages. But it was out now. There was no going back. All he had to do is to wait for Haruka to text back.

Nothing big; just waiting for an answer.

But of course, it was never ‘nothing big’ to Saeran’s mind.

It’s been three hours, and Haruka hadn’t responded. Saeran was getting nervous, for some reason. (People call it anxiety...) Maybe he just wanted confirmation, so that he can sleep in peace. He didn’t want to be bothered by something so trivial. Since when did he care about people so much?

Well, he once called Yoosung an idiot indirectly… He never actually meant it, though. It went well; they were both a little tense, but Yoosung understood the situation.

Haruka could be asleep. Or dead. Everything was possible.

Maybe he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It wasn’t like Saeran cared about Haruka that much. He was just a bit anxious since he’s never approached anyone before.

No, he should relax. In the worst case, Haruka might not respond, and that’s it. Haruka was the one who wanted to be his friend. He was being nice by making the first move. Haruka should appreciate the help Saeran is giving; because that’s the most help he’d ever see from him.

Then he realized something.

_Haruka was the one who wanted to be friends with him…_

He mentally slapped himself. Why did he send that text? He should have waited to see if Haruka was going to reach him first! He didn’t have to do anything! He wasn’t sure if it was a valid reason… But he kinda felt that Haruka wasn’t going to text him. Ever. Something about him made Saeran feel like he wasn’t the type to bother with such nonsense.

Did Saeran actually think of Haruka before he thought of himself? _He didn’t even like him that much!_

But what could Saeran do now? The message was sent, and all he could do is to wait. Thinking the matter over wasn’t going to help him. Instead, he should get some sleep. He had to practice sketching early if he wanted to have some time to spend with Saeyoung. (He wasn’t sure what they’d do, but he’s been spending more time with Yoosung than with his twin)

But the buzz of his phone interrupted his thoughts. He grabbed it and, much to his surprise, found two texts from Haruka:

 

 **Haruka:** Really..? Are you sure about that..? :o

 **Haruka:** It’s not that I mind it; this is just too sudden. ^^;

 

He was about to reply, but another message arrived:

 

 **Haruka:** I thought you wouldn’t want to be friends with me. ^^;; You looked quite tense in my presence. But don’t worry; you can take as much time as you need to be comfortable. :D

 

One thing Saeran noticed is that Haruka writes long messages. The other thing he noticed was the use of emojis. He guessed Haruka was using them to make up for his own lack of emotion. Well, at least Saeran knew what he felt now.

Or did he? Haruka could be faking niceness behind the screen—

Saeran shook his head; no. He won’t let anxiety do this to him. Not when he’s going to sleep. He texted back and got ready to sleep.

 

 **Saeran:** Cool

 **Saeran:** Fyi, it takes me a while to open up, so…

 **Saeran:** I hope we get along well

 

He was content with that. Now he can sleep without worrying about ‘being friends with Haruka’. If what Yoosung said was the truth, Haruka wasn’t very outgoing. They won’t have to meet or anything.

Maybe it will work out...

 

Well... That _was_ what he thought.

All it took was three days for doubt to sneak in. Saeran wasn’t prepared for that.

_He could have sworn things were going well…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update might be on Wednesday or Thursday.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Meeting and Anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've revised this three times and I'm still skeptical.  
> Kudos to my sister for reading this and giving notes.

 

 **Haruka:** Hey. Can we meet?

 **Saeran:** Uh… I guess..?

 **Haruka:** I don’t mean to bother you. I just… need to talk…

 **Haruka:** I can’t put it into words here.

 **Saeran:** Okay, sure.

 **Haruka:** Thanks. Meet me at 2 pm. I’ll send you the address.

* * *

 

 If Saeran had to choose between his intuition and people, he would choose intuition for one reason: he knows himself more than he knows others.

He seemed to doubt that simple rule for this one occasion. That was why he sat at a table in a quiet coffee shop right across Haruka. That was why he sat there patiently, waiting for Haruka to start speaking up.

But he being there was not because he trusted Haruka more. It wasn’t because he wanted to preserve his premature friendship with Haruka. It was because this was a person with anxiety asking him for help. Saeran’s been there, and he knew not going or turning him down would bother him late at night.

Still, ‘I’ve been there’ was not enough to make him not regret his hasty decision.

For one, Haruka was showing anxiousness; it was bad. It was worse than Saeran’s current anxiety. And it was starting to get to him too.

And they haven’t spoken a word yet. All Haruka had been doing it to pick at the skin of his neck. It was like Saeran was seeing a going-through-treatment version of himself; only less violent.

“I’m sorry for asking this of you,” Haruka said, moving the chair closer to the table. He looked like he was cold; cheeks and nose reddish, hoodie pulled up, shaking…

It was the perfect timing for anxiety to kick in. Saeran took a deep breath and prayed silently; he prayed Haruka’s anxiety won’t get to him.

It wasn’t that Haruka made him anxious; it was what Haruka was going to say. Saeran was afraid of what he’d hear that day, but going back was kind of impossible. All he could do is pray that his choice was for the best of both of them.

“It’s alright, I guess…” Saeran replied, trying to sound non-doubting. Right now, he was in a position where he should make Haruka feel comfortable. If Haruka calms down, it could turn into a normal discussion. That should make things easier for both of them.

“Are you… sure you still want to listen to me?”

Saeran nodded. ‘Just say it,’ was what he wanted to say, but who knew what effect that would have on Haruka? Maybe it will make him feel even worse. It would have made him feel worse; he never wanted anyone to rush him into speaking. Taking things at one’s own pace was very important when dealing with problems like anxiety; the kind of problems that sticks to you forever.

“I didn’t want to bother you, but I couldn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else about this,” Haruka said, fiddling with the sleeve of his dark hoodie. He didn’t meet Saeran’s eyes often.

“Not even your family?”

Haruka laughed a little, in a manner that could almost be called sarcastic. Saeran saw a faint smile appear on his face.

“They’ve heard that a lot before…” he replied. “I… I don’t think they believe me anymore,”

Saeran took a deep breath and sat attentively. He gave Haruka the best comforting smile he could manage. (Also while making sure it wasn’t obvious to other people because he wasn’t very fond of smiling outside home)

“I can’t promise I’ll help, but I’ll try,”

“You don’t have to; you’re helping a great deal just by listening,”

It wasn’t as bad as Saeran thought. Haruka started talking about his day at home, after college, and about the assignment. Saeran could see the stress he was going through; it showed on the movements of his hands. He lost count of how many times he had to tell Haruka to stop picking at his skin or to quit biting his lips.

But that was only the beginning. It was getting much, much worse.

As soon as he brought up his anxiety, things started to get… unpredictable. And ‘unpredictable’ was the worst part of anything to Saeran.

“You know… It must be nice to have your brother taking care of you,” Haruka said out of the blue. Saeran narrowed his eyes at him; why did he suddenly change the topic?

“…”

“My brother is always busy with school stuff; he doesn’t have time for me.”

“Saeyoung isn’t that free either; he works most of the time.”

His eyes were fixed on Saeran’s. It was frustrating him to a point.

“But when you’re sad, he talks to you, right?”

Saeran couldn’t deny that. Despite getting sudden projects to work on, Saeyoung would take a break from his work just to talk to him. It was kind of similar to what Saeran was doing right now; taking a break from being in his comfort zone so that he can listen to Haruka.

“Well, yeah,”

Haruka smiled at his book; he didn’t look at Saeran for long. “Sorry, that was kinda intrusive,”

“It’s alright,”

“You don’t have to say that just because you don’t want to upset me,”

Saeran almost got annoyed. Why did Haruka doubt him now? What did he take him for? Did he think he was doing this just because he’s nice?

“I’m not; I don’t mind it,”

_Keep it cool, Saeran… Haruka is just anxious; doubt is part of anxiety. You shouldn’t get angry over it. You were once like that too…_

“You believe me?”

The look on Haruka’s face was worrying him. It was like he was waiting for him to say 'yes' so that he can doubt his answer. Saeran wasn’t sure how to answer that question. What would happen if he said no? He had a feeling that Haruka would doubt him more if he said yes.

Nevertheless, Saeran couldn’t just lie. He nodded. Haruka looked…surprised? Confused? He was back to his unreadable face again. Great, just as Saeran thought they were progressing…

“Weird… I thought you don’t like me,”

“I didn’t,” Saeran replied. “But now… I don’t think you’re as bad as I thought,”

“How bad did you think I was?”

“Unreadable and cold, maybe,” Saeran shrugged. It was growing more into a casual conversation. That was good; the tension in the air was gone. And Haruka seemed to notice the very same thing; because he soon went back to his weird statements.

“I find it weird that you—a stranger—believe me, while my own head doesn’t,”

Another statement out of the blue. Saeran was feeling strange; he was very anxious at that point. What was Haruka talking about? He said it himself; he’s had anxiety issues for a while. What does he mean his head doesn’t believe him?

“Haruka?”

“Yes?”

“What are you talking about?”

Haruka blinked. He looked as if he didn’t expect Saeran to say that. He almost laughed as he spoke.

“You mean you never felt like that?” he leaned back in his chair.

“Feel like what?”

“Like you’re faking anxiety?”

Saeran was pretty sure he was gaping at Haruka. He didn’t know if he should answer the question or not, but he was sure he wouldn’t think about it. The amount of doubt that the question held was too much. Saeran was sure that if he thought about it—

He stood up suddenly. He felt strange; like he couldn’t decide whether he was feeling angry or anxious or sad.

“What the hell are you saying?”

Saeran wasn’t sure what was wrong, but he was afraid. Haruka was acting very different from how he was several minutes ago. The atmosphere felt different. And Saeran didn’t like it.

“Why would you say that about your problems?” Saeran went on, trying to keep his voice steady. “Why would you belittle your struggles? What about the people who care about you?”

Suddenly, he became aware of his surroundings. It was terrifying; the fact he was lecturing someone in a coffee shop aloud was too unappealing to his mind; and that probably why he felt like everything was shutting down suddenly.

He was shocked at his own attitude. For a second, he thought he lost balance. He was too overwhelmed.

“Saeran, are you okay?”

Cold hands touched his, and he saw Haruka looking at him in concern. Saeran needed to breathe before it got worse. He was already losing track of his thoughts. He needed to breathe.

Next thing he knew, he was outside, with Haruka keeping his movement steady. Haruka was apologizing quietly, over and over. Saeran didn’t know why, and he was sure Haruka would never tell him.

He took several deep breaths. _Calm down, Saeran. This is not worth it._

“I have to go home,”

Haruka said nothing to keep him stay. It almost seemed like he gave up. He let go of Saeran’s arm and apologized again.

“Do you need me to walk you home?” he offered. “I’d feel terrible if something happened to you,”

“I’ll be fine,”

Yes, Saeran was too scared of what could happen if he spends more time around Haruka. The topics that could be brought up and the idea of having to hear all that ‘faking anxiety’ crap…

He could really use a cup of tea. And he had to call Yoosung. He had to tell him his friend was being weird and scary.

* * *

 

Calling Yoosung was a good idea; apparently, he didn't have to worry as much as he was.

“Don’t worry; it happens a lot,”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah. He just gets super weird when he’s stressed. It’s been happening often, but he gets better with time.” Yoosung replied. Saeran sighed.

“I was just a little shocked.”

“I was, too, when he first talked to me about it.”

So he did talk to Yoosung about this before.

“But why me?”

“I’m not sure, but maybe he wanted to hear something from you that I can’t tell him,” Yoosung replied. He sounded bothered. “No matter how much I try to comfort him, it never seems to be what he really wants.”

Not what he wants… But can it be that he wanted Saeran—

No, that’s impossible. No one talks about their problems to bring other people down. People talk about problems to get over them. Unless Haruka is insane, that was out of the question.

“He could be...”

“Huh?”

“No—It’s nothing,” Saeran said quickly. “Thanks, Yoosung,”

“No problem. Gotta go work on the report for the assignment.” Yoosung sounded bored. “Call me later if you need to talk; I’d like to be distracted right now.”

Saeran smiled a little and wished him luck. He wasn’t sure what Haruka would do if he found out Yoosung wanted to procrastinate, but if Yoosung could talk about it like that then it was probably nothing major. (Maybe he'll shake his head in dismay or something)

He turned his attention to the screen in front of him. He was working on a code for a blog theme. The idea hit him when he was on the verge of frustration, and he’s thankful he didn’t dismiss it. It would have turned ugly.

He should call Haruka when he calms down. They could talk about what happened earlier and discuss it clearly. It seemed like it was a huge problem. If he could help him think better about his life, he could get him out of that phase. Until then, they wouldn’t be close friends.

But he still had to finish the code first.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, I should draft the whole project first before posting. T_T


	4. Should Have Guessed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you spot any typos, mistakes or confusing stuff. I checked a few times, but you never know. Something could have slipped by my notice.  
> As I write this, I realize this work could have been written much, much better, but it's too late to go back now.
> 
> Enjoy.

He wrapped up the work for the night and decided to call Haruka. He didn’t pick up. Saeran thought that maybe it was too late for Haruka to be awake, and considered calling the next morning. Maybe Haruka was a bit mad at him for leaving. He understood.

And that’s how he convinced himself to fall asleep. It wasn’t as easy as he thought, but he managed. Soon, he was too exhausted to stay awake. Saeran fell into a dreamless sleep, only to wake up to the alarm he had set the day before. He had forgotten about that, and he woke up with a start.

Thank God he didn’t scream, or Saeyoung would have rushed over.

It was pretty early in the morning. He showered and went to make himself some food, since he hadn’t eaten since the night before. Saeyoung was awake; he was eating chips in the kitchen.

“Morning,” Saeran greeted, heading straight for the fridge. He could cook some scrambled eggs for breakfast; sounded simple enough.

“I thought you’d wake up later,” Saeyoung said, putting the chips aside.

“There was an alarm…”

“Slept well?”

“Not really,” Saeran cracked two eggs then turned back to Saeyoung. “Did you eat anything?”

Saeyoung held up the bag of chips. Saeran pretended he didn’t see that. He took out two more eggs for Saeyoung and put the rest away. Saeyoung was smiling now.

“Oh, you’re taking care of me!”

Saeran pretended he didn’t hear that. He wasn’t in the mood to play along to his brother’s weird antics. He was very hungry.

While he cooked, they didn't speak. There was no sound except for the sound produced by the eggs and Saeyoung’s occasional humming. They had no fruit, so Saeran settled for eggs and toast. Once he served breakfast, he sat down and ate silently.

“I got another job request,” Saeyoung said after a few minutes.

“Don’t talk while you’re eating,” Saeran replied softly. “You might choke.” He didn’t like thinking about it, but it was inevitable. Thankfully, Saeyoung took his advice.

“I might be stuck in my room for a few days, so I thought I should tell you.” Saeyoung said with a smile. “You tend to worry,”

“Because you’re an idiot. One of us has to worry,” Saeran replied, shooting a glare at Saeyoung. “It’s not like I can’t manage on my own,”

“That’s not what I meant,” Saeyoung said, laughing a little. “I meant you shouldn’t let anything Haruka-related stress you while I’m busy,”

Saeran remembered; he was still supposed to call Haruka to apologize for the day before. And now that he remembered, he felt a little bothered by it. Maybe he should call later…

“I’ll be fine,”

“Just promise me you won’t obsess over it,”

“Why would I obsess over Haruka?”

“That’s what you’ve been doing for the past few days,” Saeyoung pointed out.

Saeran wasn’t obsessing; he was caring about Haruka like a person would care about his friend. It’s just that they didn’t know each other that well yet… Wasn’t he supposed to make sure things work out fine between them?

“I’m merely trying to help him,”

“Help him stress you?”

“No; he wants to be my friend,”

Saeyoung sighed. “Okay, if that’s what you think…” he had finished his food. Saeyoung stood up. “ Just so you know, you don’t have to be his friend just because he wants to.”

With that, Saeyoung walked out of the kitchen. Saeran heard the door to Saeyoung’s room close. He was probably going to be there all day, but that was okay. It’s not like Saeran was going to need his help.

And even if he did need anything, he’d go to Yoosung. Yoosung would know what to do. He was good with people. (Not very much, but still better than Saeran…)

But what did Saeyoung mean? He was doing this because he wanted to. He didn’t feel pressured by Haruka.

Right?

Saeran finished his breakfast and went back to his room. He should send Haruka a message and wait. It’s not like he was in a hurry. He should let Haruka take things at his pace. (And a text was much easier to deal with) Instead, Saeran should work on his soon-to-be art blog. Maybe that would take his mind off whether Haruka will reply or not.

And planning for a blog sounded really fun. (Compared to actually putting the plan into action…)

And so he sent a text, placed his phone where he couldn't see it, and started working.

At first, it was easy. He got engrossed in working on the theme that he didn’t notice a few hours had slipped by. Saeyoung came by and checked on him once. He said something like, ‘I thought you went back to sleep.’ But as Saeran got tired of staring at the computer screen, he gave himself space to think about whether Haruka replied or not . He checked his phone; no reply.

‘Maybe he’s still at class,’

It was a plausible thought. It was a bit too early for Haruka to be home at that time. Maybe Saeran should wait a bit more.

Soon, his eyes started to see numbers and letters that he had not typed, and his neck was aching. He stood up and stretched. He’d been there for far too long. Maybe he should go for a walk. (Around the bunker, of course. He wouldn’t want to go out, would he?)

He checked his phone again. Haruka hadn’t answered.

‘He has an assignment due tomorrow. He could be working,’

Saeran reasoned with himself. It was pretty plausible; no one would leave their work and text someone back, right? Saeran wouldn’t do that, most of the time, mainly because he wouldn’t be waiting for a text.

But why would Haruka wait for a text? He wasn’t beating himself up over what happened the day before, right?

But what if he was just scared of texting back? What if he thought Saeran hated him? He seemed like he could be that type of person, despite his sudden turn to sarcasm. (If that could be called sarcasm, anyway)

Saeyoung was busy, and Saeran could only turn to Yoosung. Yoosung was Haruka’s friend; he’d know what to do. Whether Haruka was mad or not was something not up to Saeran; he can’t control it.

He just doesn’t want to deal with the anxiety.

Yes… Yoosung probably knows what’s up. He could drop by later that evening.

* * *

 Saeran was right; Yoosung knew what’s up. He just… didn’t want to tell Saeran. Or so it seemed like to Saeran. Yoosung was just a bit anxious about it.

“I don’t think you should worry,” he said. “Haruka acts strange sometimes. He’ll be okay in a few days.”

But that wasn’t what Saeran wanted. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t causing Haruka any trouble. He wanted to check if Haruka was upset at Saeran for walking out on him when he needed help. He didn’t want Haruka to feel abandoned.

“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating?” Yoosung said. Saeran remained silent. It wasn’t only Saeyoung; Yoosung thought so too.

“I don’t want to remain anxious.” He said after a while. “And this is what you did whenever you thought I was acting strange.”

“Listen… You don’t have to be Haruka’s friend if you don’t want to,” Yoosung said with a slightly-uneasy smile on his face. “ Just because he’s my friend—”

“That’s not the point!” Saeran exclaimed. Yoosung flinched and Saeran realized he must have raised his voice. He apologized and added, quietly , “It’s just that… I know what it feels like to be abandoned , and he seemed like the type to worry over most things,”

“You’re basing your actions on ‘seemed’?” Yoosung asked in a tone Saeran couldn’t read. Was he ridiculing his efforts? Was it disbelief? Why were they so taken aback by the fact he wanted to be friends with Haruka?

“So?”

“Look, I know Haruka better than you do,” Yoosung said. “And I’m telling you, you don’t have to worry—”

Yoosung’s phone rang. It was Haruka. Saeran’s heart beat faster, and for a split second, he thought he was out of breath. This was his chance; he should speak to Haruka.

Or just ask Yoosung to make sure Haruka is okay. He wasn’t very enthused about the ‘speak to him’ idea, especially on the phone.

Yoosung answered.

“Yes?”

“I’m sending you files,” Saeran heard Haruka say. So far, his voice sounded normal. And by ‘normal’, Saeran meant ‘monotonous’.

“Wait, what?” Yoosung said. Apparently, Haruka said a few other things he couldn’t hear clearly, but Yoosung wasn’t quite happy with them. “What do you mean you changed it?!”

“It’s too late to talk about that. I’ll explain later,”

“Uh, wait,” Yoosung said hesitantly. He glanced at Saeran for a moment then cleared his throat. “Saeran was worried. You didn’t text him back,”

“So?”

“He thinks you’re mad at him,”

Saeran didn’t hear well so he got a little closer. Moments later, he wished he didn’t. This wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

“He thinks very highly of himself, I guess.”

No, this wasn’t what Saeran wanted to hear. Haruka was supposed to be thankful. Saeran was going out of his way to make Haruka feel okay and this…

This wasn’t what he was supposed to hear.

He was supposed to appreciate this. Saeran spent half a day worrying that he might have done something wrong. He distracted himself and tried to keep cool about all of it and ended up giving in to worry _just so he can hear Haruka dismiss it like it was nothing_.

It hurt. It hurt pretty bad.

Yoosung had gotten up and Saeran could hear his voice outside the room. He was slightly annoyed and frustrated. Saeran sat back against the wall and took a deep breath.

Maybe he was caring too much about Haruka. Haruka didn’t even seem to care that he was worried. Saeran was the only one working himself up. He knew he wasn’t made for this, yet he still tried to be considerate.

But turns out Haruka didn’t care. He only cared about himself.

He probably gave up on trying to ‘befriend’ Saeran when he found that Saeran wasn’t going to listen to his problems right away. He was going to use him to vent out, probably.

“Saeran, I’m sorry,”

Yoosung’s voice sounded very warm and comforting, and Saeran needed that. At that moment, he could see what his brother meant when he said he was obsessing over Haruka. If he had been taking this normally, he probably wouldn’t have felt like this.

It almost felt like he was falling apart.

Okay, ‘falling apart’ was a little exaggerated, but it didn’t feel good.

Silently, Saeran wrapped his arms around Yoosung, closing his eyes, trying to shut his thoughts down. He needed to stop thinking, because it wasn’t going to make him feel better.

“It’s not as bad as you think,” Yoosung whispered. Saeran wanted to believe him. He really did, but Yoosung was Haruka’s friend; he’s known Haruka far longer than he’s known Saeran, and Saeran wouldn’t be surprised if Yoosung tried to justify Haruka’s actions.

But Saeran didn’t think he was ready for any of that.

Nothing was going to wait for him to be ready, however...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update by Thursday. Chances that I'll be too obsessed with Ray's route are high, so it might delay the update. ^^;  
> Have a good day, everyone!


	5. A Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not keeping my word and updating last week. I went through an unexpected episode of depression. All because of my stupid grades, and I passed. So I'm a little better now. My grades aren't good, though.
> 
> If there are any typos or inconsistencies, please let me know. I'm not a very good editor but I do what I can.

Saeran didn’t remember much of the day, except that he went back home and locked himself in his room. He could only hope Saeyoung didn’t get curious enough to try and break the door down. He wasn’t sure what to tell him.

‘I shouldn’t have cared,’ he told himself over and over. The feeling in his chest was inexplicable; it was a mix of fear and guilt, and he could almost feel it burning his sanity away, bit by bit…

Okay, maybe he was exaggerating, but he had made the whole ‘I-must-apologize’ thing such a bid deal that Haruka’s reply just shot him down. And he hated it. He hated that he cared. He couldn’t find it in himself to blame Haruka.

It was all Saeran’s fault. He cared about a person he didn’t know well. He put himself in a situation where all he could feel was worry and anger.

How could Haruka be this ungrateful?

His bed felt cold and no matter how much he moved around, it never seemed to be warm enough. He just wanted to sleep and wake up without any memory of the past week. If he hadn’t met that Haruka guy…

He should have trusted his gut feeling back them; he knew he didn’t like him.

His sleep was broken and unsatisfying. Each time he woke up, he felt more agitated than the last. As time went by, and his body ached and keeping his eyes open became a challenge. He almost smiled; he was finally going to fall asleep.

* * *

 

He woke up feeling a little better; the pain in his body was gone. He felt all jumbled up and confused by his physical and mental state, especially that he had forgotten to change out of the clothes he was wearing the night before.

He checked his phone; no messages or missed calls. It put him at ease. For some reason, he had been expecting Yoosung to try and reach him. Saeran didn’t want to deal with it; Yoosung would probably be apologizing for Haruka’s behaviour.

But it didn’t matter; Saeran was going to try and forget Haruka and whatever happened between them. It was better that way.

But life doesn’t want things to be better.

“Haruka was here yesterday,” Saeyoung said as they ate breakfast. Saeran almost choked.

“Why?”

The question sounded a little too aggressive; a bad move, since now Saeyoung was very interested.

“So something did happen,” he concluded, narrowing his eyes in a skeptical manner. “He did apologize for something, but he didn’t tell me what it was,”

“It’s not important,” Saeran said, trying to sound impassive.

“Did you talk to him yesterday?”

Of course, Saeran didn’t expect Saeyoung to drop the subject. Not after Saeran had been worried about it, anyway. He wondered what would happen if he told Saeyoung the truth.

“No,”

He didn’t talk to him; he wasn’t lying.

“You look like you’re hiding something,”

“That’s only your imagination,”

“Well… If that’s the case,”

Saeran glanced at his brother; Saeyoung had his attention back to his plate. He wasn’t eating; more like playing around with his food. He was worried, and Saeran knew it.

“Is something wrong?”

Saeyoung gazed at him for a while then smiled a little. “Is it obvious?”

“Yeah,”

“Yoosung was here yesterday too,” Saeyoung said. “He wanted to talk to you, but when he found your door locked, he kinda—well… He kinda lost it…”

“Lost it?”

“Got really mad, I mean,” he replied. Saeran wanted to snap at him; he knew what ‘lost it’ meant. (At least in this context; laughter would have suggested Yoosung went insane) He just glared. Saeyoung cleared his throat. “He was already angry when he arrived,”

Did Yoosung stop by to check on him? How come he never heard him? He woke up a couple of times throughout the night; surely he would have heard him. Or maybe he was too tired to pay attention.

“Why was he here?”

“Assignment. He said he needed my amazing skills to prepare the perfect slides for his presentation,” Saeyoung said playfully. With a nervous laugh, he went on, “And he also wanted a rant buddy; apparently, he wasn’t very happy with Haruka,”

Saeran sighed. Of course he wasn’t.

Saeran picked the plates after they were done eating and washed them. Saeyoung didn’t leave the kitchen; instead, he was watching him intently.

“What’s wrong?” Saeran asked.

“Did Haruka say anything weird to you?”

Saeran wasn’t sure what that was, but it felt, just for a second, that Saeyoung knew something. He gave off a different aura than usual.

“No,” he replied. Again, this wasn’t a lie; Haruka didn’t say anything to _him._ He just happened to hear it.

Now that he thought of it, maybe Haruka didn’t mean to sound uncaring. He wasn’t talking to Saeran directly.

Or maybe he was going to sugarcoat his words in front of Saeran.

For a second, Saeran wasn’t quite aware of his surroundings. He swayed and leaned on the counter for support. He looked at his hands; they felt unreal, like he was dreaming.

He probably needed a lot of sleep.

“You okay?” Saeyoung took him by the arm. He put the plates in the sink and took him back to his room. “You need to sleep well, you know.” He said in a soothing tone. Saeran didn’t protest when Saeyoung tucked him in and kissed his forehead gently. “And stop thinking,”

“You know that’s impossible,”

“Nothing’s impossible if you try your best,” Saeyoung smiled like the idiot he is. “By the way, if you feel like you want to tell me something, don’t hesitate.”

Saeran saw it in his eyes; Saeyoung was more worried than usual. Yet, Saeran said nothing. He nodded and watched his brother leave the room.

He couldn’t help but think that Saeyoung knew something; either Haruka or Yoosung talked to him, maybe even both. And Saeran was much more worried about what Yoosung might have said.

If he wasn’t happy with Haruka, chances are that he did. And Saeran could only wonder what kind of things Yoosung said.

He laughed; he was doing exactly what Saeyoung asked him not to. Maybe he wasn’t going to get any sleep these days. At least not before he found out what had happened the day before.

Should he call Yoosung?

He reached for his phone, but it wasn’t on the bedside table. Saeran sat up a little too quickly and looked around the room. As much as he could see, he didn’t spot anything that looked remotely like his phone. He got up and turned the lights on to check one more time.

Did he leave it outside? He didn’t remember taking it when he left the room.

He went back to the kitchen. Still, he couldn’t find his phone. It wasn’t in the living room either. He could only guess that he either forgot it in the bathroom, or—

“Why aren’t you in bed?”

Saeyoung’s voice was too close for comfort, and Saeran almost jumped up in surprise. He turned around, eyes falling directly on Saeyoung’s hands. His second guess, the one he didn’t get to fully register in his mind, was true. Saeyoung had his phone.

“I was looking for my phone,”

“You won’t text anyone,” Saeyoung’s voice was stern. “Not Haruka, not Yoosung; no one. Go to sleep.”

After a short staring contest he couldn’t win, Saeran sighed. If this was how it was going to be…

His hand dove straight for the phone, but Saeyoung was faster. He dodged it, and Saeran fell. He grabbed Saeyoung by the arm and pulled him down in an attempt to pin him to the ground. He knew Saeyoung wasn’t going to kick him off—because he cared a little too much—and Saeran was going to use this to his benefit.

If only he could reach the phone without having to step on his brother’s stomach…

Suddenly, the phone rang. They both stopped moving and Saeyoung brought the phone closer to see the caller’s ID. It was the perfect chance; Saeran snatched the phone and bolted to his room as fast as he could. As soon as he was inside, he locked the door, even though he knew Saeyoung wasn’t going to follow him. (Probably)

He checked the ID; it was Haruka. Saeran wasn’t sure if he should answer. He wasn’t sure what to expect, and he couldn’t think of any reason as to why Haruka would call him. Unless Yoosung had scolded him, there was no reason for him to call and apologize.

The call ended, but a few seconds later, Haruka called again. Saeran cancelled the call and put the phone on silent. He wasn’t going to take that call. The outcome was unknown, and he didn’t want to take the risk.

But he was curious. Just a little bit.

‘No,’ he thought. ‘I shouldn’t do this to myself,’

Because this time, there was no one to take the blow with him. If Haruka ends up hurting him, he will only blame himself for taking the call.

Saeran kept checking his phone repeatedly. Haruka was still calling. Wasn’t he going to take the hint and just stop? Even when Saeran cancelled the calls, Haruka called back.

He was almost as persistent as a cockroach.

Or maybe it was something important… But what could be so important that requires Haruka to call Saeran like this?

‘Call denial,’ he thought, but he just couldn’t do it. What if it was really important? What do people normally do in this situation? (It was funny, because Saeran couldn’t describe his situation clearly. Was Haruka someone he didn’t want to deal with or someone he hated? There was little difference between the two but still…)

He took a deep breath and put the phone away. He was thinking too much, and his heart was beating fast. His head hurt a little, but he knew it will just keep getting worse. He turned off the lights and sat down, eyes closed, breathing.

He should take the call. Haruka wasn’t going to stop, apparently. If he hears him out, this could be over for good. Or maybe it could be a misunderstanding. There was only one way to find out.

So much for not wanting anything to do with Haruka anymore.

Saeran reached for his phone. He called Haruka back and waited. Soon enough, Haruka answered. Saeran didn’t even get to say anything; Haruka spoke first.

“Thank the heavens!” Haruka’s voice was very shaky. It was almost—if Saeran dared suggest—as if he had been crying. It was odd because Haruka didn’t look like the type to cry—no, he didn’t look like _could_ cry.

Or maybe he was just a very good actor.

“I-I need your help…” Haruka said. His breathing was uneven and his voice grew quieter as he spoke. It was tough for Saeran to make out what he said after that.

“I don’t understand,” Saeran replied. It was silent for a moment.

“What…?”

“Speak clearly,” he said, trying not to sound annoyed. This was one of the main reasons Saeran hated speaking on the phone.

“It’s Yoosung,”

For a second, Saeran thought his heart stopped. His breath was short and his mind predicted the worst thing possible.

“Did something happen to him?!”

His tone must have surprised Haruka, because he started stammering. It didn’t help; Saeran only got more worried. Taking deep breaths seemed like an impossible feat.

“H-h-he’s fine…It’s j-just…” Haruka’s voice kept trailing off. Saeran was getting irritated, but he held back. Getting angry wasn’t going to help in the situation.

“Just what?!” Again, his voice betrayed him.

“H-he w-won’t talk to me…”

Saeran’s mind blanked. So Yoosung was upset with Haruka… But why on Earth did Haruka think Saeran can do anything about it?

But judging by his tone, Haruka must have been really worried. Maybe calling Saeran was the first thing that came to mind, since he’s also Yoosung’s friend.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do anything about it,”

“You don’t have to. I—I just—Can we meet up?” Haruka sounded hasty. “I swear it won’t be like last time!”

So he knew…

“Only if you promise to tell me what happened yesterday,”

Haruka fell silent, then he agreed. Saeran could hear the reluctance in his voice.

“Is it okay if I drop by your place?”

Saeran nodded, and they both fell silent. It was awkward because Saeran realized Haruka couldn’t have possibly seen him nod.

“Uh, Saeran?” he spoke. “…Did you, by any chance, nod?”

Despite the shakiness of his voice, Saeran could hear amusement. It was strange how easy it was to read Haruka’s voice. Possibly because it contained too much emotion than it usually did.

“Yeah,”

“I guessed—I do that too sometimes,”

Silence again. This time, Saeran spoke.

“When will you drop by?”

“At 8; I have to run some errands for my brother,”

“Okay. See you later,”

Saeran only wished for one thing; that it ends well; because he wasn’t sure if he will be able to tolerate feeling like a fish out of water in his own fish tank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny how long it took me to realize the chapter I had planned before wasn't going to work out. I have seven drafts of it now.
> 
> This might change the number of chapters, but since the rest of the project has been scraped and is currently being re-written, I'm not very sure how many chapters will be there. I'll try to stick to 15, since college starts again in 8 days.


	6. An Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly dialogue, and it's not as long as the others.
> 
> If you notice any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know. I'm not perfect, and neither is my editing.  
> I'll read this again as I work on the next chapter, so I'll probably edit what I spot. But help is always appreciated. :D

It wasn’t exactly like their first meeting. Haruka was very different; his face lost the pallid look it usually held—as if Saeran had enough experience to know that it was Haruka’s usual face—and he couldn’t stop fidgeting. It was agitating, and he could feel his own body aching to move.

“Haruka,” he tried to sound as nice as he could. “Can you please calm down? I know it must be tough for you,”

Saeyoung once said that, when someone wants to talk about something that’s making them nervous, one should be keen on keeping a comfortable atmosphere to encourage that person. Saeran needed someone to do that for him at the moment.

“Sorry,” Haruka said. He sat still—well, except for his hands; the way he twisted his fingers was almost painful. “I’m scared,”

It was strange, hearing Haruka admit his fear like this. Did he trust Saeran that much? Saeran would have never blurted that out to Saeyoung unless he was at the climax of a panic attack. Even then, he’d probably be reluctant to exist in a place where there are people.

“Just tell me what happened,” Saeran sat attentively; it was something Saeyoung and his therapist did when he would talk about whatever was bothering him. Maybe it could help…

And would certainly help if his tone stopped betraying him; he wanted to sound friendly, at least just once. How could Saeyoung do it?

“…A week ago, I… I changed the topic of our assignment,” Haruka said, talking slow and clear. “I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared they might not accept that, but the new topic was much better.”

“So you just worked on it on your own?”

“Yes, for the whole week,”

It was going well. Haruka, surprisingly, sounded regretful. It was good because Saeran could actually read him with ease. Maybe his emotionlessness was just a façade?

“And Yoosung is mad because you told him yesterday?”

“I-I think, yeah,”

“You know you shouldn’t have done that, right?” Saeran asked. “I mean, even if the topic was better, your team had to know,” He was sure he sounded like Saeyoung at the moment.

“I thought I would execute it properly,” Haruka admitted, picking at the skin of his wrist. “But I got stuck at the end and I…”

“—needed help.” Saeran finished, reaching out to stop Haruka from hurting his skin. He hesitated a little, but Haruka showed no resistance.

Haruka nodded. “Yeah…”

This was nothing like when Haruka met him at the coffee shop; Saeran felt like he could see who Haruka was right in front of him. He was like an open book, and it left Saeran to wonder if he had always been that way and Saeran just didn’t pay enough attention.

“Did you not expect Yoosung to get angry?”

Haruka was silent for a few minutes. “I did…” he said quietly. “Just…not this much. He never got angry enough to ignore me,”

“How did the presentation go?”

“Brilliantly,” Haruka smiled, and then he laughed nervously. “It went exactly like planned. I had expected some trouble with handling the professor’s questions, but things went well.”

“That’s good,” Saeran said, smiling a little. “I bet you didn’t expect Yoosung to get mad since everything went well, right?”

“It was kinda naïve, wasn’t it?” Haruka had calmed down; his voice didn’t shake any more, but his hands were still fidgeting.

“True.”

Haruka sighed. “He probably hates me now,” He hid his face with his hands. “I’m sorry for telling you all this all of a sudden,”

Saeran felt slightly relieved, but still confused. Haruka didn’t mention anything about what happened when Yoosung came here. If Saeyoung was telling the truth, then Haruka could be hiding something.

“You were here yesterday,”

Haruka tensed up and glanced at Saeran. “You knew…?”

“My brother told me,”

“I’m sorry,”

“Don’t apologize; just tell me what happened.”

It was quiet for about five minutes, but Saeran waited. If he was going to understand what happened the night before, he was willing to wait. Maybe Haruka will admit why he ignored him.

And Saeyoung always waited for him to speak. He shouldn’t pressure someone more than they already are.

“Yoosung said you were there…when I called him…” Haruka said quietly.

So he knew. That’s why he wanted to see him.

“I—”

“You don’t have to be nice to me,” Haruka said. “I don’t deserve it. I ignored you,”

Was he really going to do that now? It reminded Saeran of how he used to reject Yoosung before they were friends. He couldn’t blame Haruka for thinking so; he was in a similar situation before. And not to mention that what Haruka did really made Saeran upset.

He wasn't sure whether he should be accepting towards him or not.

“Look,” Haruka said, clearing his throat. “I know I messed up; I was tense and nervous and stupid. And I understand if you don’t want to be around me anymore—”

“We didn’t spend much time together, though,”

“But to you, it probably felt like that. You probably felt nervous and anxious; I wasn’t myself for the past week.” Haruka said, sighing and turning his attention to his hands. “I just… I want to make up with Yoosung. He’s the only friend I have at school…”

_‘He’s my only friend too,’_ was what Saeran wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure if that would make the situation better.

“It’s okay, I don’t hate you,”

It felt like a lie. It sounded like one, but Saeran really didn’t hate Haruka. Haruka seemed like he was ready to make up for everything he did. He seemed like he really wanted to be Saeran’s friend.

Should he give him another chance?

“Even after I ignored you?”

Haruka had a point. But Saeran wasn’t going to let that convince him.

“I thought I should be the better person, so I’ll forgive you,”

Haruka looked down, possibly in shame. Saeran could feel his mouth curving into a smile. As guilty as he would feel later, he was happy he managed to corner Haruka like that.

If that counted as cornering, that is.

“So, what should I do about Yoosung?”

“Call him.”

“He won’t pick up.”

“Did you call him?”

Haruka didn’t meet his eyes. He shuffled his feet and, in a small voice, said, “No…”

“Then how do you know he won’t pick up?” Saeran smiled. He had achieved the milestone of sounding like Saeyoung.

Haruka didn’t answer. He just stared at his phone for a long time. After a while, he looked at Saeran and smiled. It was warm and kind of nervous.

“…Thank you,” he said. “For hearing me out, I mean… And for not ignoring me.”

Saeran would have loved to say, ‘No problem,’ but it would have been a lie worse than any he had told in his life.

It was only an hour after Haruka had left that Saeran realized Haruka told him nothing about why he ignored him. He wasn’t sure whose fault it was, but he thought it was probably his; he forgot to press for answers. He lay in bed, unable to sleep, and mad at himself for his forgetfulness.

_‘At least you did something nice,’_ he thought, taking a deep breath. He hoped his decision to not shut Haruka out was not a mistake. Haruka’s regret seemed genuine. And his explanation was kind of plausible. If only he had explained everything....

_‘Baby steps, Saeran,’_ he thought, closing his eyes. _‘Every person opens up in their own way. Haruka is a person too,’_

A person with a very familiar yet very strange mentality; Saeran had a feeling that Haruka would either end up being his best friend or the death of him. There was no middle ground.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to lay off the adverbs. And I need to use better vocabulary... I need to do a lot of things, honestly...  
> Have a good day/night! :D


	7. This Guy, Seriously...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long; next to it, the previous chapter is an elf.  
> I'm also not very happy with this. 
> 
> If you notice any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know. Help is very much appreciated. (Just the fact that you're reading this is appreciated)

“I can’t do it alone,”

Saeran sighed and rubbed his temples; it hasn’t been a week before Haruka visited him again, still anxious, and still not on good terms with Yoosung. Saeran had thought everything was getting better, and was going back to his routine, when this happened.

“For god’s sake, Haruka, we’ve discussed this,” Saeran tried not to sound annoyed, but he couldn’t. Haruka was making a big deal out of it and he knew. Yoosung wasn’t the type of person to stay mad at someone for long. (At least that’s what Saeran has seen)

But Haruka didn’t believe that, for some reason. For two weeks ever since they talked, Haruka has been coming over to Saeran’s place. He didn’t always ask for help; sometimes he just wanted to watch Saeran use his drawing tablet or sketch random things around the room.

But there were days, like this one, when Haruka would just bring up how he still hadn’t apologized to Yoosung, or how he was scared of bumping into him at school. (He skipped a couple of days just for that one reason) It made Saeran lose his temper at times.

What made it worse was Haruka; he had this ability to look extremely regretful and hurt when scolded, and Saeran could find himself feeling guilty every time he raised his voice a little.

It was exhausting.

“Look… There is nothing I can do about it,” Saeran said for the tenth time. “This is something you should do. Not me.”

“I know… I’m just—”

“Then you probably know you shouldn’t mind whatever the hell is telling you to not apologize, right?”

Haruka looked at his feet and apologized quietly.

“Don’t apologize to me; it’s Yoosung you should be apologizing to,”

Another quiet apology; Saeran felt he might blow up and hurt him, so he said nothing. He sat down on the couch and breathed. Haruka stood there, silent, looking as guilty as fuck.

Seriously, couldn’t he just apologize to Yoosung?

“At least send him a text or something,” he said. For a second, Saeran thought he saw shock on Haruka’s face. Then he was sure of it; it was shock indeed. “Wait, don’t tell me—”

“I…I forgot…that I could text him…”

_This guy, seriously…_

“Haruka… please don’t do this to me,”

“Sorry,”

“And stop apologizing. You don’t have to.”

“…Sorry,”

Saeran groaned in frustration, stood up suddenly and proceeded to pace around the room. He didn’t look at Haruka; he’d start to feel guilty, and Haruka would probably just apologize again. It was almost like apologies were an essential part of his conversations, and that he wouldn’t manage to maintain conversations for long without them.

“Look, do whatever you want, Haruka. I can’t solve this for you,”

“You’re his friend,”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know him better than I do,”

“You’ve known him for a year,” Saeran pointed out. “You’re supposed to be good friends,”

“He likes you more than he likes me,”

Saeran felt like he could hit his head against the wall. He restrained himself from grabbing Haruka by the shoulders and shaking him. “Are you even listening to yourself right now? Is this the time to care about who he likes more?”

No reply.

“You two are loud,” Saeyoung walked in, looking rather goofy. Haruka glanced at him once then bowed his head. “By the way, asking Saeran for advice is the worst move you can ever make,”

Saeran stuck his tongue out and sat angrily, folding his arms and facing away from Haruka and Saeyoung. His brother sat down on the couch and asked Haruka to sit down as well, and then they started talking. (More like Saeyoung talked and Haruka listened)

Saeran couldn’t deny it; asking him for advice was indeed a bad move; a very bad one; the worst. (He still can’t believe he confirmed Saeyoung’s words) He couldn’t give advice to save his life. Saeyoung was much better than him; he wasn’t the best, but he didn’t get frustrated or mad with people like Haruka.

And he was very gentle when soothing people. (Saeran)

“Look, Yoosung would probably listen to you if you explain everything,” Saeyoung said in a gentle voice, holding Haruka’s hand and rubbing the palm in circles with his thumb. “If it really matters to you, try and show him that,”

“…What if he doesn’t believe me…?”

“If you’re sincere, he’ll see it.”

“But I… I’m scared…”

The scene seemed familiar in a way, except that Haruka didn’t thrash and scream and throw things. He looked vulnerable and weak. Yoosung had mentioned that he was usually cold to people, and Haruka had said he hadn’t been himself for a week. But this was not what Saeran thought he’d see.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Saeyoung moved closer to Haruka, still holding his hand. “Trust me, Yoosung will forgive you. You just have to explain everything clearly.”

Haruka didn’t look at him; he just stared at his hands. Soon enough, he nodded.

“Thank you,”

“I did nothing,” Saeyoung smiled. “Just don’t get too nervous and it will be okay,”

“I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try.”

“Good. Now, Saeran will apologize for losing his temper,”

Saeyoung glanced back at Saeran, who just folded his arms and looked away. He didn’t think he can apologize. Not because he didn’t want to, but he felt that he did nothing wrong. Why should he apologize?

“It’s okay; I’d like to be the better person here, so I’ll forgive him,”

Then he flashed Saeran a coy smile and his blue eyes glinted in playfulness. Saeran rolled his eyes. “Yeah, just copy me like that…”

“What was that?” Saeyoung inquired.

“Nothing,”

Saeyoung got up and stretched his arms. “Oh well, I got to get back to work. Don’t fight, you two,” he said in his goofy voice, which sounded stupid to Saeran. He ruffled Saeran’s hair. “And you, stop being grumpy,”

“I wasn’t grumpy but I am now!” Saeran swatted his brother’s hand away. He proceeded to fix the damage done to his hair.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll go work,” Saeyoung patted Haruka’s head and went back to his room. Haruka sat there, awkward and unwilling to look at Saeran. He looked like he was thinking. He was probably going to apologize or something.

“Sorry for making you mad,”

 _‘Yup, I was right,’_ he thought. “How very cynical… It’s your constant apologies that made me mad,”

Haruka looked speechless for a few seconds, and then he laughed. “It’s just a little too hard for me; I was going to apologize again just now,”

“It gets annoying by time, you know?”

“You just lack patience,” Haruka said, shrugging.

The rate at which the atmosphere changed from ‘awkward-and-angry’ to ‘slightly-relaxed-and-less-awkward’ was a little alarming, but since it was a good change, Saeran welcomed it.

“So, are you going to call Yoosung or not?”

He just wanted to make sure he will. If Haruka kept dodging it like that, he might never make up with Yoosung. Was this what happened when he ignored Saeran? Is this why he didn’t talk to him?

“I will… But I want you to come with me,”

Was he really serious?

“You don’t have to do anything; just come with me.”

Saeran had a feeling Haruka wanted to say, ‘Come with me so that you can go like, ‘it’s okay’ when I’m nervous,’ but Haruka was just not going to say that. To Haruka, admitting that meant that Saeran might think he’s being used—that’s what Saeran had concluded when Haruka asked for permission to plug his phone in the charger a couple of days ago; he said he didn’t want to take advantage of someone else’s electricity—thinking about it made Saeran feel like sighing aloud.

_This guy, seriously…_

“Fine… I’ll go with you,”

Haruka smiled—he did that more often around Saeran now—and bowed. “Thank you,”

Saeran felt his cheeks heat up a bit in embarrassment. “You—You don’t have to bow, you know…”

* * *

 

He could feel Haruka trembling next to him. They stood in front of Yoosung’s apartment. They’ve been standing there for a while—about ten minutes. Haruka would reach out to ring the doorbell, but then he’d let his hand fall to his side and sigh. Saeran didn’t know how to encourage him without sounding impatient.

“…I can’t do it…” Haruka said quietly. “This is a bad idea. I can’t do it,”

Saeran would have loved to calm him down, but he was getting anxious himself. Haruka’s breathing was starting to become audible too. Suddenly, he grabbed Saeran’s hand tight.

“I can’t… Let’s…Let’s go back…”

He was panicking; Saeran knew it too well. What he didn’t know was how Haruka dealt with his panic attacks? How long were they? How did they start? What are they like at their climax? What should he do to ground him?

Should he speak to him? But what should he say? Haruka could get irritated by the attempt. Or maybe it will go unnoticed in the first place. There were too many variables, and Saeran could feel his own mind racing with thoughts…

_Shit, I can’t panic now…!_

Yoosung will help him. It didn’t matter whether Haruka liked it or not; Saeran was not going to risk panicking outside his comfort zone just because someone else was scared. And he was getting very aware of Haruka’s shaking body.

_Fuck._

He rang the doorbell repeatedly. The good thing was that Haruka didn’t try to stop him. He was probably caught up in his own panic. His hand still held onto Saeran’s tightly. It felt really cold.

Yoosung opened the door soon enough, and Saeran rushed in, pulling Haruka along, without saying anything. He had to get him seated first, so that he can talk to him. Yoosung followed, looked both worried and confused.

“What happened?” Yoosung asked.

“I think he’s panicking,”

Haruka was still shaking, but his breathing was better. He lowered his head and refused to look up when Yoosung called him.

“I’ll handle it,” Yoosung said, sitting next to Haruka. He put one arm around Haruka’s shoulders and pulled him into a semi-awkward side hug. (All side hugs were awkward to Saeran. This was only semi-awkward since he wasn’t involved)

Haruka stopped shaking about fifteen minutes later, but he still didn’t look at anyone. He took soft breaths, and would whimper occasionally. Saeran was sitting on his other side now, holding his hand. (Actually, Haruka held it first. Saeran was just returning the gesture so that Haruka feels better)

“Haruka, what happened…?” Yoosung asked softly, trying to look at Haruka’s face. Eventually, Haruka got up and sat near the door, hugging his knees and frowning. He looked tired and disappointed.

“…I did it again…”

It was almost like he forgot what they came here for. Yoosung sat on the floor in front of him.

“What did you do again?”

“…I almost panicked…”

Wait, so he wasn’t panicking yet?

“Almost…?” Saeran asked.

“I’ll tell you about that later,” Yoosung said quietly, and then turned back to Haruka. “Why would you panic?”

“…Why do you care? Don’t you hate me now?” Haruka snapped. Saeran pressed his hand to his forehead and cursed quietly. _That’s not what you should say, idiot!_ It occurred to Saeran that he and Haruka might not be so different after all. (Except that, if Haruka’s words were true, he was much better at managing his panic attacks)

“Why would I be mad at you?”

Haruka looked up, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. “You’re not mad at me…?”

Yoosung shook his head. “Why would I be?” he asked again.

“Because I changed the assignment?”

“That was two weeks ago, and everything went fine, right?”

Haruka stared at Yoosung for what felt like two minutes, then he hid his face with his hands, and he shook a little. Was he going to panic again? Maybe he was too happy?

But Haruka wasn’t panicking—thankfully—he was crying.

He was crying like normal people.

“I—I—” he stammered, trying to wipe his tears away with his sweater, but they just kept falling. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Yoosung. Saeran felt relieved and slightly tired. Haruka spent a two whole weeks trying to make up for something that was only his illusion.

He shut himself out for two weeks because he thought he deserved to be ignored by Yoosung, despite wanting to apologize.

Saeran could feel his pain, but wasn’t this a bit too much? Usually, Saeran would be like this if he insults or hurts someone. Haruka didn’t do either; he just had a better idea to carry out. (Although it was kinda douche-y to just make decisions by himself)

And he knew Yoosung wouldn’t be mad at him; Yoosung was a nice, forgiving person.

Yoosung held Haruka for a long time—Haruka just liked wasting time like that. Twenty minutes later, he let go. He looked like a mess, but he was happy. Haruka was a happy mess.

“You could have just called or something,” Yoosung said, flicking Haruka’s forehead. “Since when did I ever hate you?” Haruka shrugged, and Yoosung laughed. Saeran just sat there, feeling proud of himself.

If it wasn’t for him, Haruka would have never found out Yoosung wasn’t angry. He should be thankful now.

“You know…” Haruka said, sniffling. “It would have been really bad if you were playing a round of LOLOL when Saeran rang the doorbell.”

Saeran felt his blood gradually run cold as he considered the possibility.

* * *

Haruka insisted they walk back to Haruka’s place together. He wanted to thank Saeran and invited him for dinner. Saeran was reluctant at first, but when Haruka said his family wasn’t home, he felt a little better.

“At least I won’t have to introduce myself,”

Haruka laughed a little. “I know, it’s horrible.”

Their walk was pleasant. Haruka lived somewhere at a midpoint between Saeran and Yoosung. It was a long walk, but Saeran didn’t mind it. He was glad it was over.

“You can stay the night if you want to,” Haruka said all of a sudden. “It’ll be really late to walk home alone,”

Was Haruka worrying for him?

“I’ll be fine,”

Haruka looked like he wanted to say something, but decided against it. They walked in silence—comfortable silence. The kind of silence Saeran liked best.

“Thanks for coming with me,” Haruka said suddenly. His voice was still cracking when he spoke. “I don’t think I would have managed to do it without you,”

Saeran smiled. “It’s okay… Just don’t worry too much next time. You scared me.”

“…” Haruka maintained his blank expression, but his eyes looked like he was happy. Saeran didn’t know how; it just did. “…I wish I could say something, but you hold a grudge against apologies, for some reason,”

“I don’t; you just apologize too much,”

“Too bad you have to live with that,”

Did he? ‘Live with that’ seemed—even though Saeran didn’t want to admit this to anyone—a bit exaggerated. They were on good terms, but was it enough for them to last?

Saeran didn’t want to think about it; he didn’t want to be pessimistic.

“Oh wait… Maybe you wouldn’t have to,” Haruka said, raising an eyebrow. “One day, I’ll mess up really bad… and Poof!” he made a ‘poof’ gesture with his hands. “You’ll be free then.”

He said that and _smiled_. _He hinted their friendship might not last **and smiled**._

_This guy, seriously…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good thing I am not writing from Haruka's point of view; describing a panic attack is a little tough, since you don't have enough brain space to assess what is happening to you. (Or that's the case for me, at least. I believe it differs from one person to another)
> 
> Have a good day/night! (And sorry about rambling a lot in the notes ^^;)


	8. It Was Going Fine...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is also a long chapter.  
> This chapter feels more like the things I usually write, and that is kinda scary... But my sister (my ideal reader) said it was the best chapter in this story yet. I'll trust her judgment since I don't usually like what I write very much.  
> If you find any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know.

The first thing Saeran noticed was how Haruka seemed to relax a lot as soon as they walked into the apartment. He still kept his neutral expression, but his shoulders and back didn’t seem as stiff as they usually were.

Haruka lived in a spacious apartment that seemed to be always bright. (not that Saeran had seen it before; he just got that feeling because of the light-colored paint and furniture.) The dining room and the living room were connected through a wide door-less frame, and from the living room was a hallway that led to the bedrooms and the bathroom.

The furniture was simple, plain, and bright. Anything wooden took the light color of oak, and there weren’t many decorations, except for the action figures next to the TV set.

“These are my twin’s; he’s a nerd.” Haruka said, picking up one of the figurines. “He doesn’t like anyone to touch them—” he switched their places around. “And he absolutely hates when people move them like this,”

He had a look on his face that Saeran didn’t think he’d see; he looked like he was enjoying himself very much.

“Sounds like you have your own Saeyoung here,” Saeran almost laughed.

“Yeah, I think he will get along with Saeyoung very much,”

Saeran sat on the couch; it was quite comfortable. He was tired; his body ached slightly, and he could really use some sleep now.

“You should change,”

Saeran sat up, confused.

“Change?”

“You don’t expect me to let you walk back home this late, right?”

_Oh, so he was talking about clothes…_

Saeran decided to ignore how Haruka just implied Saeran wouldn’t be able to protect himself. He shook his head.

“I shouldn’t bother you,”

Haruka stared at him for a while and then, in a mildly annoyed tone, said, “Look, if you think that you can act all nice and polite to me, while I’ve been plaguing your life for the past three weeks, then you’re wrong,”

Saeran wasn’t sure what to say; was this Haruka’s way of paying him back?

“Alright, don’t get worked up…” Saeran said, sighing. Haruka disappeared into the hallway and came back after a few minutes, holding some clothes in his arms.

“Here,” he gave them to Saeran. “The bathroom’s at the end of the hallway; you should take a shower while I make dinner. Oh, and there’s a linen closet by the door.”

Haruka looked like he wasn’t taking ‘no’ for an answer. Saeran just thanked him, got up, and headed to the bathroom.

The bathroom was pure white, with some light blue here and there. It was a bit too bright to look at. There were many bottles of shower gel, shampoo, lotion and conditioner. They were labeled with names; Jiyeon, Kibum, Harumi and Haruka. Harumi and Haruka shared the same bottles—and only the shampoo and the shower gel were half full.

Were these his family? He did mention he had a brother; that was probably Harumi. Kibum and Jiyeon could be his parents.

But why was Haruka’s name different? Maybe Haruka and Harumi were adopted...?

He turned on the water and contemplated whether he felt safe undressing in someone else’s bathroom or not. This was Haruka’s house; no one else here except Haruka. It was fine. Besides, he felt safe bathing in a house that had Saeyoung. That was an accomplishment given that Saeyoung liked to occasionally burst into the bathroom without warning. (Saeran didn’t like to blame himself for forgetting to lock the door.)

Or maybe it was the brightness of the bathroom that made him feel uncomfortable. If he could find a way to turn the lights down…

There was a light bulb above the sink. Saeran turned it on and turned off the main lights. It wasn’t as dark as he’d like it to be, but it was better than before.

_Seriously, this bathroom needs darker tiles…_

* * *

 Haruka prepared pan-seared strip steak for dinner. He served himself some red wine—Malbec, if Saeran read the label correctly—and would occasionally sip his wine after every two bites. (Saeran refused the offer.) He looked a lot like Jumin, except that he was wearing a light blue sweater and his hair was all over his face.

Now that he thought of it, Haruka didn’t look like Jumin. He just had a similar air of classiness—especially now as Saeran watched him sip his wine. (Saeran didn't see Jumin a lot; this was just his interpretation.)

“Do you like the steak?” Haruka asked. He looked at Saeran with interest. It was a bit flustering since—Saeran had no idea how that was related—he was wearing Haruka’s clothes. They were a bit bigger than his size.

He still couldn’t figure out why that bothered him.

“Yes, very much,” he replied. Haruka smiled, almost like a kid being praised, and took a sip of wine.

“I’m glad,” he said, sounding happy. “It makes me feel good when people like my cooking,”

“Do you cook often?”

Haruka nodded. “I stay alone most of the time, so I had to learn how to cook for myself.”

“You don’t see your family often?”

Haruka frowned. “Not really. My mother is visiting our relatives, and my twin is staying over with a friend of his for a project. And Kibum rarely comes back from work,” then he paused. “Oh, I don’t think I’ve told you about my family,”

Saeran decided to conveniently forget that time when Haruka said his family didn’t believe he had mental health issued. It was the first thing that came to his mind, but it was also kind of irrelevant.

“My twin, Harumi, is a computer science student. He’s planning on studying medicine after he graduates. He’s a fun person, but he’s also very hard-working.” Haruka said. Saeran thought Harumi sounded more like Saeyoung now—his mind went back to the figurines next to the TV set.

“My parents a separated; I don’t recall they’ve gotten a divorce,” Haruka said. He didn’t sound okay, but Saeran couldn’t see anything wrong. _Maybe his voice just failed him_. “My mother owns a winery, and my father is an author. My older brother, Kibum is an employee at C &R International.”

 _So Kibum wasn't his parent..._ Before he could stop himself, Saeran said, “Well, no wonder he rarely comes home,”

Speaking before thinking has become a habit from speaking nonsense to Saeyoung—a habit that needs to stop. Haruka poured himself another glass of wine and laughed lightly. “Do you know Jumin Han?”

“Take a guess,”

“Does he really talk like a robot?” Haruka’s eyes twinkled playfully; even though he wasn’t actually smiling, it made him feel like he was.

“Your voice has more emotion than his—at least now, I mean.”

“Wow,” Haruka put his glass down. “Kibum told me about him. He said I could be exactly like him if I gain some self-confidence,”

“And if you can tell really terrible jokes too,”

Haruka looked like he was thinking. He poured himself a third glass of wine. “…I do have a tear-jerking sense of humor…” he paused. “…’Tear-jerking’ as in ‘really horrible’, since I just realized the word can work for laughter as well,” he took a sip and paused again. “…Or can it?”

He downed his glass and poured himself a fourth one. Saeran had a feeling Haruka was getting tipsy; he was talking more than normal, and he looked slightly unfocused. He felt obliged to remove the bottle of wine from the table. But he didn’t; Haruka was the one who removed it.

“I think I drank a bit too much,” he said with a nervous laugh. “It’s been a while since I’ve actually had dinner with someone, so I got carried away.”

Saeran didn’t want to be too full of himself, but he felt better knowing that he could make Haruka relax like this. (Minus the factor of Haruka being in his own ~~fish tank~~ home right now.) But...should he be happy with this? He didn't feel he was in the position to be happy; a friend would be happy.

Was he really Haruka's friend?

They both finished their meals and Haruka cleaned the plates away. It was late, but Saeran felt too full to care. It was very different from dinner with Saeyoung, which was either pizza or instant noodles. Neither of them cared about what they ate much—Saeran would occasionally cook kimchi fried rice or fried chicken, but only when he was feeling like it. Saeyoung ate anything. (And Saeran has been caught up in his art for the past few months.)

“You’re probably exhausted,” Haruka said as he walked back in. “I bought some toothbrushes recently; you can use whichever you like.” He went to his room and came back with a rectangular plastic box full of unopened toothbrushes. “Pick one,”

Saeran looked at him, eyebrows raised. “Why do you have all this?”

“For situations like right now,”

Was this something normal that Saeran wasn’t aware of? He didn’t stay over at anyone’s house, and Yoosung usually had his toothbrush with him. (Saeran had been meaning to ask why.) Regardless, Saeran picked a brush—a soft one—and thanked Haruka. He washed his teeth (a hasty decision since he didn't go to sleep right away) and returned back to the living room. Haruka had changed his clothes by the time Saeran came back.

“You won’t shower now?” Saeran asked.

“Ah… It’s—uh… It won’t be a pretty sight if I shower, trust me,”

Saeran would have let it slip by as a failed attempt to sound witty if it wasn’t for how nervous Haruka seemed. The classy demeanor had disappeared, and nervous Haruka was back. Was he nervous because Saeran was there? Or was that the effect of wine on him?

“I won’t pry for answers,” Saeran said, sitting on the couch. He really wasn’t going to; Haruka was still not quite sober. Who knew what would happen if he got all nervous and emotional? The night was ending well, and it should remain that way.

For a few moments, they sat in silence. It didn’t bother Saeran much; he was busy looking at the paintings on the wall behind the TV screen. They looked like pastel paintings, and they seemed like sceneries inspired by a fantasy novel; there was a magical feel to them.

“I’m sorry… I’m not very good at entertaining guests,” Haruka said all of a sudden. He was staring at the ceiling.

“That makes two of us,”

“I’m sorry if staying here is bothering you,” Haruka sat up straight. “I just…didn’t want you to—to walk home alone late.”

“Are you worried about me?” Saeran asked, feeling a little amused. But Haruka’s tone was serious; it was the kind of ‘of-course-I’m-worried’ serious.

“What if some…some creepy person kidnaps you?”

 _'Okay... That wasn't expected...'_ Saeran glanced at Haruka; he was gazing—almost glaring—at Saeran, looking more serious than usual. If Saeran would make a guess, it would be that the wine Haruka had was increasing his anxiety—that was why he was told not to consume alcohol.

_End it safely, Saeran..._

“Haruka, I’ve walked home alone before,”

“How do you know it will be safe this time?” Haruka’s voice was starting to drift towards worry. “I’m sorry… I probably shouldn’t say things like this…”

He scooted away from Saeran and sat at the end of the couch, hugging his knees, looking extremely guilty. Saeran sighed; he could have sworn things were fine. What made it seem like a good idea to bring this up in Haruka's head?

“I understand you’re worried,” Saeran said, trying to sound as gentle as his voice could allow it. “But I know I can defend myself,”

Haruka laughed; it was that kind of sarcastic laugh Saeran didn't like. He felt bad.

“Funny… That’s exactly what I used to say—” Haruka gasped and sat up, alert. “Shit—I wasn’t supposed to say that….” He started to mumble things to himself; Saeran caught the words ‘idiot’ and ‘stupid’ a couple of times.

The first thing that came to mind was panic _—Haruka must not panic now!_

“Haruka, you said nothing wrong—”

“I wasn’t trying to get attention, I swear!”

Something about Haruka’s reaction was off; he looked paranoid. He gazed at Saeran in fear, and sat back against the end of the couch. “Please… Please believe me…”

Saeran couldn’t quite place it, but something was very off about Haruka. He felt like Haruka was trying not to let it slip but failed. All he could do is make sure Haruka didn’t panic—two panic attacks in one day are not fun, Saeran could assure you that.

What did Saeyoung do? He held his hand and rubbed in circles, right? Maybe this will work. Saeran moved closer to Haruka hand held his hand gently. It was as cold as ice noodles, and it took him a while to get used to it. Nevertheless, he rubbed Haruka’s hand gently.

“It’s okay, I’m not angry…” he whispered, trying to sound soothing; he wasn’t sure if his voice would do the trick, but trying wouldn’t hurt.

“It—it just slipped… I didn’t mean to draw attention, I swear.” Haruka said quietly. “No one did anything to me! I was—”

“It’s alright; I believe you…” Saeran wondered if hugging him would solve the problem, but then he thought that it will probably make him feel worse—Haruka will most likely think that Saeran pitied him or something. “You should shower and clear your thoughts. Nothing’s wrong,”

Haruka sighed. “You don’t think I’m faking?”

 _No, not that again…_   Just what in the world made him feel like that?

When Saeran didn’t answer, Haruka seemed to realize what he said. He pulled is hand away from Saeran and stood up, gripping at his hair. “It’s just like that time! I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to say that!”

Distress—all Saeran could hear in Haruka's voice was distress.

Saeran stood and took Haruka’s hands away from his hair. “Calm down; nothing’s wrong…”

Haruka stared at him, but he was sure he couldn’t see him. He was trapped in his own mind. Saeran took a deep breath; he was going to deal with this somehow. Did he really have to hug him to resolve this?

Or he could just ask Haruka.

“Hey…” he cleared his throat. “D-do you need a hug…?”

Haruka stared blankly for a few seconds before he wrapped his arms around Saeran. It was kind of awkward because Haruka was taller, and it felt like Saeran was the one being comforted. Zen used to give him hugs too, but they were usually the ‘big-brother-hugs’ in which the victim’s hair was always ruffled violently.

Not to mention how cold Haruka’s body was. _How did he live like this?_

“How about you shower and go to sleep now…?” he whispered, trying to recall what Saeyoung used to tell him (he couldn't remember clearly). “It will be fine in the morning,”

Saeran almost laughed; he had never once believed in that, yet he usually went to bed with that thought in his head. At least not to worry Saeyoung too much; he didn’t deserve to suffer for Saeran.

But thinking that Saeran shouldn’t suffer for Haruka seemed a bit…cruel. They have been spending time around each other lately, and Saeran did care for him. But as much as he cared, he didn’t want to be in a relationship (friendship) with someone who broke down at trivial matters; _someone like himself_. Maybe he was being selfish, but Saeran didn’t want to fall back into the pit of anxiety again.

Haruka let go of Saeran and apologized quietly. “Here… let me show you your room,” He took Saeran’s hand and led him to a moderately-sized bedroom. It was dark green-themed, and it looked quite comfortable.

“This is Kibum’s room; please don’t touch anything but the bed,” Haruka’s voice was quiet and less shaky than before. He was still thinking about what he said.

“Thank you,”

“…Good night,” he walked to what Saeran assumed was his room, and Saeran was left alone.

 _‘Great… Now I have to deal with this again…’_   Saeran sat on the bed and sighed. He thought things were getting better. Two weeks of ‘bonding’ with Haruka and Haruka still didn’t trust him.

_Saeyoung probably felt like this too…_

And not only Saeyoung, but Yoosung and Jaehee and Zen and Jumin… Saeran used to be like this before. But he got better. Everyone helped him learn to trust again—even if he didn’t fully trust everyone.

He just needed to try more.

But what more can he do? He felt like he did everything he could. If only he had a solution—

Saeran got into the bed; it felt warm, compared to Haruka’s touch (he wondered why). He felt tired and sleepy; it was good, since he wouldn’t over-think the issue. He just needed to wait till he got back home.

He had to tell Saeyoung about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was again reminded of the benefits of drafting the whole project before posting. It was a rash decision, but I gotta make it work. I must face the consequences.
> 
> I also realized I've been using parentheses the wrong way. Now I have to go through the past chapters and fix it.
> 
> Next chapter might be short; the first draft is, but it might turn out a little longer. I'll try to update soon. (College starts on the 17th T_T)


	9. Should I Help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out it wasn't short. ^^" There is a lot of dialogue here, though.
> 
> Next time I write a fic, I will not try to give titles to chapters. It's troublesome.
> 
> If you spot any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know.

“He needs help, and fast.”

For some reason, Saeran thought Saeyoung would say that. He looked concerned—he probably cared about Haruka more than Saeran did; he’s been in this position before… As much as Saeran didn’t want to remember that, he couldn’t deny it.

"Ask him to see a psychiatrist," Saeyoung suggested.

“Do you think he’ll listen?”

Saeyoung sighed and removed his glasses. “I don’t think so, but it wouldn’t hurt to try,” then he added, "Or maybe we could try to find the root of the problem ourselves, if you really want to help him,"

Saeran was tired of trying. It felt like every time he thought things were good, Haruka would break things apart. Saeran really couldn’t blame him—Haruka probably couldn’t prevent himself from feeling like that. He just wished Haruka would see his attempts to make him feel better. (And seeing a psychiatrist was a good idea too.)

Did Saeran need to try harder?

“Maybe…” Saeyoung put a hand on Saeran’s shoulder. He wasn’t looking at Saeran, but rather at something Saeran couldn’t see. He did that often when he was thinking. “…Maybe it has something to do with his family…” he tapped Saeran’s shoulder a few times and nodded. “Yes… It could be related to his family,”

“Saeyoung, you’re spacing out,” Saeran noted.

“Did he mention anything about his family?”

Saeran tried to recall what Haruka said; his twin was a student, his brother worked for Jumin, and his parents—

“He said his parents lived apart,” Saeran said. “He did sound a bit weird when he mentioned it,”

“You didn’t ask him about it?”

“No,” Truthfully, Saeran was afraid Haruka might get emotional at the time—he was drinking and that was enough. He didn’t need to provoke him.

Saeran felt complicated.

“How was he?”

“What?”

“You stayed with him in his own safe zone,” Saeyoung clarified. “How was he like?”

“He was normal at first; we had dinner, and he was okay,” Saeran said. (He skipped the wine part.) “Then he…he sort of started to get nervous,” Saeran tried to remember if there were any important details he missed. “Then he said he didn’t want me to go home alone… And I think it triggered something,”

“He didn’t say what it was?”

“No. He kept saying he didn’t mean to mention it, and you know the rest,”

Saeyoung looked like he was thinking hard about it. Saeran couldn’t deny he was thinking too. Maybe Haruka didn’t want him to care about it. Or maybe nothing really happened, and it was just a statement out of the blue.

_But he said he shouldn’t have let it slip…_

“Look, something must have happened,” Saeyoung concluded. “But maybe it wasn’t as serious as it sounded, and he didn’t want you thinking he did that for attention. But something has happened for sure.”

“And if I ask about it, he might get upset.”

“Exactly,”

How can Saeran help him if he didn’t know what was wrong? He thought three weeks were enough for Haruka to open up to him about his (deeper) problems—not that Saeran knew for sure, but Haruka seemed like the type to trust people quickly (Saeran could be completely wrong).

“I don’t know,” he sighed and lay back on the floor. “I really don’t know what to do,”

“You do know you can’t back out now, right?” Saeyoung asked, sounding mildly upset. “He will be crushed if you do,”

Of course... Saeyoung just had to voice one of the many thoughts that Saeran dreaded.

“That’s what scares me,” Saeran admitted. He needed to voice his feelings as well; maybe the complicated feeling in his chest will be clearer. “I don’t know if I’m qualified to care this much. He never said we were friends, and I don’t want to assume it,”

Saeyoung lay next to him on the floor, staring at the ceiling. “He probably doesn’t know either,”

“But why do I care so much? I don’t understand,”

“Do you really want to care about him?”

“Shouldn’t I?”

“Do you want to?” Saeyoung stressed on the word ‘want’ and that made Saeran think twice. Why did he care? Did he see Haruka as a friend? They did spend time together, and Haruka seemed to like being around him. Saeran did like him, but he wasn’t sure if he trusted him enough to be a friend. He definitely didn’t trust him enough to tell him about his past…

“Do you have to trust someone to consider them a friend?” he asked absently. Saeyoung gave him a funny look.

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind…”

Saeran sighed and closed his eyes. “I really don’t know why I’m doing this,”

“Should we ask Yoosung? Maybe Haruka told him,”

Of course! Why didn’t Saeran think of that earlier?

“I forgot about that!” he exclaimed, sitting up. “We should call Yoosung—”

“He’s at school,” Saeyoung pulled him back down and directed his head to the ceiling. “Besides, you should relax for a bit. Admire the scenery,” Saeran knew Saeyoung was probably joking, but he—and he wasn’t going to admit it—found himself relaxing the more he stared at the ceiling. (Saeyoung would be amused with this.)

Maybe he should just…free his mind from this for a while…

And he remembered drifting to sleep, using Saeyoung as his pillow.

* * *

Yoosung came over after school (Saeran’s request). He looked troubled, and Saeran found out it was because of another assignment.

“Why do they do this to us?” he said, frowning as he threw his bag on the floor. He looked pretty tired.

“Did something happen today?” Saeran asked.

“An assignment happened,” Yoosung frowned more. (As much as possible.)

“I’m talking about Haruka,”

“What do you mean?”

“Did he show up?”

Yoosung gave Saeran a strange look; worried, perhaps. Saeran did speak a bit too urgently. (He was late to notice.)

“Ah, yeah. He was fine,” Yoosung said. “Why? Did something happen?”

Saeran told him about the night before. Yoosung seemed a bit taken aback, which made Saeran feel a bit disappointed. He was hoping Yoosung would know something.

“He’s never reacted like that before,” Yoosung said. “In fact, he’s never actually mentioned anything like that.”

“Did you stay over at his place before?”

“Yeah; he doesn’t let me walk home alone either.”

So it wasn’t something he did for Saeran.

“Maybe he has a protective instinct?” Yoosung mused.

“I don’t know; he looked like he didn’t mean to bring it up,” Saeran sighed. Could it be a traumatic event? But Saeran could only think of a few things…

“Haruka doesn’t mean to bring up many things,”

“He was also very nervous when I asked him if he was going to shower before sleep.” Saeran thought for a while. It was definitely different from the ‘embarrassed’ kind of nervous. Almost like he was hiding something…

This time, Yoosung looked like he knew what Saeran was talking about.

“Ah… He wouldn’t want you to find that out now… At least judging by who Haruka is,” he said, smiling nervously. “Physical scars; he just doesn’t want to scare you.”

_Scare? He should see mine…_

“So it’s not related to whatever triggered him?”

“I don’t know; I’ve never seen him triggered like that…He didn’t tell me how he got the scars either.” Yoosung tapped his chin twice. “Don't tell him I told you.”

“Okay,” Now, one thing was out of the way. But what about his paranoid state? What triggered him that much?

“You know…” Yoosung said after a while. “You could ask his family. I think I know his older brother’s number—”

“Kibum?”

“Yes. Did you meet him?”

“No, but I slept in his room,”

Five seconds of heavy silence passed… Saeran didn’t dare look at Yoosung. (He wished he could un-say that.)

“A—anyway,” Yoosung spoke. Saeran couldn’t help but notice the redness on his cheeks (what were you thinking, Yoosung?). “I’ll send you his number. He’ll probably ask to meet you at a coffee shop or something—probably Jaehee’s; he complains to her about work a lot.”

“She’s the only person who’d understand,” Saeran said. He hasn’t known Kibum yet, but he was already feeling sorry for him.

“True,”

“By the way,” Saeran said, recalling something. “Is…Is Haruka adopted…?”

Yoosung looked at him for a while. “Oh. You mean because of his name?” he asked. Saeran nodded. “No, he told me they were his real family. He said they weren’t the ones who named him.”

“I see…” But how did that work?

“We never really talked about it much,”

_Then what do you talk about?_

They both sat in silence for a few minutes, looking solemn. Saeyoung walked in with his face stuffed with chips, holding a pack of PhD Pepper cans in his arms.

“What’s wrong?” He said with his mouth full. It took Saeran more the five seconds to understand he was actually speaking, not choking.

“Nothing; just two people sitting in silence,” Yoosung responded. “And shouldn’t you be eating food like normal people now?” he scolded. Saeyoung shrugged and went to his room, probably to watch cat videos—he was taking a break from work. (And to help Saeran too.) That seemed to remind Yoosung of something. “Do you want me to make dinner?” Yoosung offered. “You can’t eat instant noodles forever.”

Saeran didn’t want Yoosung to bother—he was fine with instant noodles—but he knew Yoosung wouldn’t let him refuse; he seemed to like taking care of Saeran whenever he came over. It was something he used to do back when Saeran was still opening up. (Saeran is glad he still took care of him.)

“Okay, if you insist.”

“I didn’t,”

“But you will, won’t you?”

Yoosung laughed and got up. He sent Kibum’s number to Saeran went to the kitchen. Saeran saved the number and put his phone aside. Now he was relieved he wouldn’t have to ask Jumin for Kibum’s number; that would have been awkward.

* * *

Later that night, Saeran sat in his room, holding his phone, unsure if he should call this Kibum guy or not. It wasn’t that late but considering that he worked for Jumin…

Maybe he should just send him a text. If he mentions Haruka, Kibum might be interested. Plus, he wasn’t very fond of the idea of calling someone he didn’t know on the phone. Especially someone who worked for Jumin; when he first met Jaehee, her way of speech was a little too formal for him—it made him slightly uncomfortable.

And this was a guy; at least Jaehee sounded kind.

No; he should get his act together. He was doing this for Haruka’s sake (probably). To preserve their friendship—or soon-to-be friendship—he must make sacrifices. He dialed the number and waited. Just after he placed it against his ear, he felt a little scared; what if he didn’t know what to say?

But there was no time to regret—it wasn’t long before he heard a light, clear and slightly low-pitched voice. He spoke briskly.

“This is Kim Kibum,” his tone was almost monotonous—Saeran wasn’t sure if it was because he was related to Haruka or because of Kibum’s job. Regardless, he had to not sound nervous.

“This is Choi Saeran, Haruka’s fri—” he paused, breathed and went on. “—Haruka’s friend.”

“Oh. I didn’t know Haruka made a new friend,” Kibum’s voice sounded a bit more relaxed (it was a job thing, then). He still spoke in a brisk manner—it was just less brisk that before. “Can you please make it quick?”

“A-actually, I can’t.” Saeran said, trying to sound clear. “It’s important; is it possible for us to meet somewhere?”

Saeran couldn’t believe he was the one asking someone to meet him. It was a bit unnerving, and he hoped Kibum wouldn’t make it worse.

“Oh,” Kibum sounded—just a little bit—concerned. “You’re at that stage…”

“What?” _What was he talking about?_

“No, nothing—I’ll tell you when we meet,” Kibum cleared his throat. “There is a possibility that I might be free tomorrow morning until 12 pm—Mr. Han’s schedule starts late, but for caution, I’ll meet you at 8 am, as soon as the shop opens. Is that okay?” he asked. “I’ll send you the address.”

“Okay,”

“Then it’s set. Please contact me if you change your mind, though I hope you won’t.”

“Are you worried?” Again, it was one of those question he never intends to ask, but ends up blurting them out anyway. Kibum was silent for a moment.

“A little, yes; no one has ever called me to ask about Haruka. And if you’re really at that stage…” he paused. “I have to return to work. See you tomorrow, Choi Saeran.”

He hung up. Saeran felt more worried than before; what was that stage Kibum mentioned? For some reason, he didn’t get a good feeling.

He just had to wait for tomorrow.

_Haruka, you better appreciate all this later._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still use a lot of adverbs...


	10. It Can't Be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got the exact reaction I wanted from my sister, so I'm a bit satisfied with it.
> 
> There is a lot of dialogue here as well.
> 
> If you spot any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know.

Jaehee’s coffee shop was quiet in the morning. Saeran felt relieved; he wasn’t sure if it would be like this—he rarely visited, but he had heard it was usually bustling with customers. Jaehee welcomed him when he came. Kibum was there, waiting for him.

Kibum looked like Haruka but sharper—as expected from someone who worked for Jumin. Kibum’s black hair was short and neatly-cut. He wore glasses that, somehow, made his narrow, sharp-looking eyes look even sharper. It was a bit unnerving.

Saeran was glad he ordered tea beforehand.

“So, what do you want to ask about?”

He was starting to think he should have spent more time planning—maybe organizing some cue cards. Taking action was a bit rushed, and he only realized it as he sat in front of Kibum. But Kibum didn’t look like he would let him walk away now.

Especially with how interested he seemed to be in Saeran.

Kibum’s sharp eyes seemed to look deep into Saeran, searching for something. He waited for Saeran to speak, sitting at the edge of the chair, a seeming impatient.

The only problem was that Saeran didn’t know what to ask about. He wanted to explain the situation and receive answers. Then again, how would Kibum answer his question if he doesn’t voice them?

“I don’t know where to start,”

“What made you think you should reach me?” Kibum asked, trying to rephrase the question. It seemed a little easier to think about like that; all he needed to do was to recall the events of the day before.

“No matter how…how much I try to reassure him, he doubts me…”

He figured this was the best way to phrase it. He didn’t want to make it seem like Haruka was wrong—Saeran had been there before too. It was just that Saeran didn’t know how to deal with it. Asking Saeyoung was too much—he shouldn’t burden him.

“That’s normal,” Kibum replied. “Haruka has been dismissing most of the reassurance he received lately,”

“So he does talk to you.”

Kibum gave him a confused look. “What?”

“He told me you—family, I mean—didn’t believe him,”

“Ah, yes… He does that often,” Kibum’s tone made Saeran’s stomach twist. Haruka did that often…?

“Is he—”

“I do not have enough evidence to judge,” Kibum said, holding a hand up. “I need to know more. Hm…”

Saeran couldn’t tell if he was uncomfortable because he was anticipating the worst or because Kibum’s eyes watched his every movement.

“Tell me; when did you first meet him?”

“O-one month ago,”

“And did you talk to him first?”

“Yes.”

“What did you see in him that caught your eye?”

Saeran blinked. He took a few moments to process the question, but he couldn’t understand what Kibum wanted for an answer. He wasn’t interested in Haruka. Did he have to be interested in him to be his friend?

“Nothing, I guess…?” he said. He mentally scolded himself—the answer sounded dumb, and he wasn’t supposed to be like this. Kibum seemed to think of the same thing.

“Let me ask you again,” he said slowly. He sounded impatient. “Why did you want to be Haruka’s friend?”

_Oh, so that’s what he meant._

“I didn’t,” Saeran replied. It was true; he texted Haruka because Haruka wanted to be his friend. He was being nice to him, that’s all. Come to think of it, it wouldn’t have started if Saeran didn’t text him… But it was too late to go back now.

“Then why did you talk to him?”

“He wanted to be my friend,”

Kibum looked like he was judging him—well, more than before. He leaned forward, eyes narrowed and voice strict. “You mean to tell me…you became friends with my brother by accident?”

“It wasn’t an accident,” Saeran was aware he sounded angry. “He wanted to befriend me, so I helped him.”

“Helped him?” Kibum sat back, looking blank. “And why would you do that?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He wanted to evade the question; why did everything always lead back to that question?

“I wouldn’t ask you if it was,” Kibum replied, calm. “I’ll be frank; I don’t see why you would befriend my brother if you haven’t known him for a while.”

Isn’t that how friendship worked? People meet and get to know each other gradually until they feel they can call each other friends?

“Do I need a reason?”

“Well, maybe you don’t… But Haruka does,”

Haruka needed a reason? But he had never said anything about it. Even when they spent time together, it wasn’t a subject that Haruka brought up. Saeran guessed Haruka didn’t need a reason either. Could he be wrong?

No—Haruka wasn’t using Saeran. Haruka wouldn’t do anything that seemed remotely like he was exploiting Saeran—he wouldn’t even charge his phone! (As absurd as it was, Saeran said nothing.)

“He doesn’t,”

“You don’t know him,”

“I do know he wouldn’t need a reason,”

But even as Saeran said that, he started to doubt himself. His mind went back to Haruka’s paranoid state; could he have thought Saeran was seeing through his act—

_No! Haruka wasn’t acting!_

“You don’t know him,” Kibum repeated, looking serious. “Let’s make that clear.”

“…”

“So you wanted to ask me about this?”

“…Did something happen to him…? Something traumatizing…?”

Kibum raised his eyebrows. “Traumatizing?”

“His reaction yesterday… It was…” he paused. He wanted to say familiar, but he wasn’t sure what Kibum would think of it. _Is this how Haruka felt?_ “…a bit off…”

“What kind of reaction?”

“He kept begging me to believe he didn’t want attention… He said something and wanted to take it back, but he couldn’t…” Saeran’s voice trailed off. “…and he started to freak out…”

“It’s because you’re not familiar to him yet,” Kibum said, adjusting his glasses. “Once you get deep enough, he’ll dismiss you like he does to us, and will look for a new person to attach himself to.”

Saeran stared at him; did Kibum just say that to him? Did he just doubt his brother’s concerns? Saeran couldn’t prevent himself from sounding annoyed—maybe even disgusted.

“How can you speak of it so easily?” he asked. Kibum watched him calmly, and Saeran could even see a smile appearing on his face.

“You’re really at that stage,” he said, laughing a little. “…I don’t want to disappoint you, but Haruka isn’t who you think he is.”

“He’s troubled!”

“What proof do you have?”

“…”

Kibum laughed. “You look like the type of person who has been in a similar state before.”

Saeran’s head shot up; how did Kibum know that? Did it show on his posture? Did he look anxious?

“I—”

“You think that everyone who panics and reacts like that must be troubled, because you know how horrible it feels to be scared and anxious all the time.” He went on. “You’d never expect that someone would fake this, would you?”

Saeran’s heart sank; could it be…? He had never once doubted Haruka’s feeling—maybe for a bit—and he always got mad at Haruka for ridiculing himself. But he had never once thought Haruka was faking.

Who in the world would fake something so horrible…?

“He would never—”

“Don’t you think that this doubt he shows is nothing but a mask?” Kibum asked. “Did it ever cross your mind that he might be saying this so you wouldn’t actually suspect him? He tells you that ‘people think I’m faking’ or ‘I was scared you might doubt it’, correct?”

Saeran didn’t want to nod, but he didn’t want to lie either. He sighed and nodded.

“And you believe him?”

“…He can’t be faking…”

“I know him more than you do,”

At this point, with Kibum’s seriousness, Saeran wasn’t sure if he should believe Haruka. He did mention that his family didn’t believe him. But Kibum didn’t falter. He didn’t look like he was lying either.

Saeran felt his mind go numb. Was Haruka really just…playing him…?

But all Saeran had done for him… It was all for his sake. Saeran had no reason to care, but he did. He wanted to make Haruka feel welcome… He hoped… He hoped that Haruka would change once he opens up more, just like the case was for him.

This is a lie. No—it has to be a lie…!

“He can’t…”

“Do you think Haruka has no friends?”

Saeran looked at Kibum; he seemed to be enjoying this. Saeran couldn’t find the will to speak anymore. Haruka had…

“He has Yoosung…” Saeran said, after a few minutes of silence.

“No, not just Yoosung—Haruka has many friends. They just happen to live far away from him.”

Haruka never mentioned it, but he never said he had no friends either; all he said was that Yoosung was his only friend _at school._

“Why do you think Haruka would want to approach you for?” Kibum asked mockingly. “Haruka doesn’t act without a goal set ahead.”

“He wanted to be my friend—”

“He wanted to use you as a placeholder for his friends,”

Placeholder? Haruka cared about his feeling genuinely. If only he had a way to prove it.

“Haruka doesn’t do that—”

Saeran paused. Was he qualified to determine whether Haruka would do that or not?

“You’re not the first person to be his victim, Choi Saeran.” Kibum said in a stern voice. “Haruka has tried to find people to take his friends’ places, but he’s been failing.”

_No… Haruka cared. Haruka cared about Saeran._

“Impossible…”

“He’s used your problems as a link, so that you can feel sorry for him. He asks for your reassurance to make sure you’re still within his grip. He doesn’t care about Choi Saeran; he only cares about himself.”

Saeran didn’t want to listen anymore; he was feeling confused and tired. Haruka… Haruka can’t have possibly done that? He was suffering from mental disorders; that’s why he was in pain. He was trying hard to become a better friend for Saeran and Yoosung. Saeran comforted him and cared for him. Saeran was patient with him.

Saeran sacrificed his own comfort for Haruka, without a reason or a certain goal in mind. He gave him his all.

Haruka can’t have been playing him all that time…

…Can he…?

“I know it’s shocking—that’s why I wanted to meet you,”

“You… You said…” Saeran couldn’t speak clearly. It felt like his voice wasn’t going to cooperate. He was worn out, but unable to stop thinking. His heart was beating wildly, but he seemed to be unable to feel it. Everything seemed unreal, and he almost fell off his chair.

_No… It can’t be true…_

“You said…you were worried…” he murmured, looking down at his forgotten cup of tea. He saw something that looked like a fading reflection of his face—tired and pathetic.

“About you—not Haruka,” Kibum’s hand touched his shoulder gently. “I’m very sorry you had to go through this.”

Saeran refused to believe it. Forget about Haruka—Saeran couldn’t have fallen into that trap again. He couldn’t have been unable to see through it. It can’t be an act—

_But Kibum knows more than I do…_

“I think it’d be best if you return home and rest now,” Kibum’s voice was close to his ears. “Nothing will change; you must accept the truth.”

_No…_

“It’s best if you stop caring about… Before it gets worse…”

But how worse can it possibly get? Saeran couldn’t process anything. He wanted to go back home and stay in his dark room, uninterrupted, till he cried his heart out—mentally; he wasn’t sure he can express what he was feeling at the moment.

Kibum led him outside, offering to drive him home. The ride was silent—except for the occasional quiet ‘You-had-to-find-out,’ Kibum would say. Saeran didn’t want to say anything; he just wanted to go home.

_What will Saeyoung think of this?_

* * *

But he didn’t feel like finding out what Saeyoung thought.

Saeyoung met him as soon as he walked in. Saeran couldn’t look him in the eye. Hell, he couldn’t hide the look on his face. Saeyoung picked up on it right away.

“What did he tell you?”

Saeran shook his head; he didn’t want to speak. He moved away from Saeyoung and made his way to his room. Saeyoung, of course, followed. Saeran didn’t stop him. He just sat on his bed, hugging his knees close, trying not to think about what Kibum told him.

_Impossible… He can’t have faked it…_

“Saeran…”

“Leave me alone now…” he said, closing his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Saeran felt a sting in his eyes, but he held back. He shouldn’t cry now; Haruka didn’t lie. There was no reason for Saeran to cry about something not true, right? Kibum could have been making stuff up…right?

He felt himself smiling, despite the pain he felt. He wanted to laugh…

_Yes… That must be it… Kibum is lying…_

_Haruka cares… Just like I care about him…_

_He can’t have lied… Haruka can’t have lied…_

He felt Saeyoung’s body near his. Saeyoung didn’t touch him; he just sat there, waiting. Saeran wanted to tell him there was nothing worth his worry, but he couldn’t lie. Saeran felt like everything he had believed in was falling apart; Haruka’s trust, Saeran’s care, their relationship.

Everything felt unreal now…

“He didn’t lie to me…” he murmured, with a light laugh. He felt pathetic, but he couldn’t stop. Soon, he was laughing quietly.

“…Saeran?”

“It’s not a lie, is it…?”

“I don’t understand,”

This time, Saeran laughed a quiet, mocking laugh. He stared at the wall in front of him.

“I don’t understand either…”

_Haruka can’t have lied to me…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that if I start a new project, it will be better than this.


	11. Must Make A Move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very happy with this, but here you go. Thanks to everyone who's reading this. I love you. ^^ (And those not reading this too, but they wouldn't see this... but meh. I still appreciate them.)
> 
> If you notice any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know.

“Why did you leave me?!”

His voice was filled with agony. Saeran backed against the door, trying to find the doorknob and escape—but it was gone. He had to face him now.

Haruka’s tears fell continuously, but what Saeran saw in his eyes wasn’t sorrow; it was rage—full, unbridled rage. Saeran was scared, and he once again began searching for an exit. He had to escape this no matter what.

“Ha—Haruka, listen to me, I—”

His breath was cut short when Haruka’s hands gripped his throat. Saeran tried to pry them off, but Haruka didn’t budge; he was much stronger than Saeran.

“Listen to you? Ha!” Haruka’s tone changed, despite the tears in his eyes. He leaned in, stopping a few centimeters away from Saeran’s face. “…You expect me to trust you…while you didn’t do the same for me…”

His voice was dangerously low. Saeran felt he was losing his senses. The grip on his throat tightened more, and his heart was threatening to burst any moment now. His feet left the ground and—

.

.

.

His eyes shot open, and pain shot through his head. It wasn’t the headache he got occasionally after nightmares, but he had hit his head against the bedside table—he was lying on the floor.

He was in his room; there was no Haruka around, and there were no hands around his neck. He was alone and safe.

_Safe…_

He repeated the word several times to calm himself down. His heart beat gradually slowed—it took him twenty minutes to feel like moving from his place. His first priority was to turn the lights on and check whether his fall had left any marks on his head.

It did—just beneath his eye was a bruise that was going to make him earn Saeyoung’s attention for several days. (His body tended to bruise from most impacts with things tougher than he was—everything.)

He sighed; it wasn’t the first time he saw that nightmare; for the past week, Saeran’s been seeing similar things for the past few days—Haruka stabbing him; Haruka hanging him; Haruka killing him in any brutal way he could imagine. The list was never-ending.

Never mind the fact that it always seemed like Haruka, somehow, found out that Saeran talked to Kibum…

That was why he always messaged him whenever he woke up; just to make sure he wasn’t angry or anything. Every time, Haruka would respond in a normal manner, with emojis and everything, and Saeran could recall a few times when Haruka asked if he was alright.

Haruka can’t ask him that and hate him at the same time, right?

Saeran didn’t want to think about that, but he couldn’t help but think about what Kibum told him. Somehow, it was hard to believe Haruka was faking all is actions—especially when he called Saeran (almost) every night to bid him a good night. He sounded too genuine.

But every time, Saeran would start to doubt it; Haruka could just be a very good actor. He could be faking all this to keep Saeran close, like he’s been planning all along—

_No. Haruka likes me. He likes me and wants to be my friend._

Saeran shook his head. He needed a cold shower. Maybe he’ll find some other bruises on his body or something…

He slipped out of the room and past Saeyoung’s room. He could hear Saeyoung typing away on his keyboard, but it wasn’t the usual typing associated with coding. This one was more like…playing games…?

He didn’t check; if Saeyoung saw him, he’ll get worried—he was already worrying over Saeran for not eating or sleeping regularly. He didn’t need to worry anymore.

At least Saeran hoped so.

He slipped into the bathroom, turned the water on and started to undress. He groaned as soon as he took off his shirt—his side and arms had several bruises already. They were going to be a pain to hide from Saeyoung. Maybe it was time to just sleep on the floor (and to get rid of the bedside table too).

He got into the tub and let the water run down his back. It was too cold, and he soon started shivering all over—his body was warm from sleep, and he started to think showering wasn’t a very good idea.

_Saeyoung will worry if I get sick…_

Sometimes it seemed, at least to Saeran, that all he did was make other people worry about him. He couldn’t even deal with the Haruka-wants-to-be-friends issue on his own! And now, he saw nightmares about it; he can’t talk to Haruka without being doubtful and anxious, and he doesn’t want to tell Saeyoung or Yoosung…

Maybe he should just learn to live with it…

He sat down and leaned against the tub, closing his eyes. He tried to clear his thoughts— _focus on the sound of the water._

Slowly, he began to lose track of his surroundings; all except the sound of water. Gradually, he could feel his awareness of the drops hitting his skin increase. It was working; he was clearing his head!

...Or so it seemed…

The sound of water began to fade, and he started to see what looked like Haruka, but more like flashes of him. He started to hear his voice, but it wasn’t clear. The only clear thing was Haruka’s hands. Saeran couldn’t move out of the way as they aimed for his throat—

He shot up and, in a failed attempt to get to his feet, slipped and hit his elbow. He took several deep breaths, but they didn’t help. He felt confused with his surroundings, and standing up seemed like a very bad idea. His head spun a little.

And to make things worse—or better; he wasn’t sure which—Saeyoung decided to burst into the bathroom. He looked…concerned…? Saeran tried to think of a reason. He didn’t make any sound, did he?

_Oh God…_

“Saeran?” Saeyoung approached him quickly, and Saeran made no effort to hide himself, as embarrassed as he was. Saeyoung breathed in sharply and audibly when he saw him—the bruises. “Oh my God… What happened?”

Saeyoung turned the water off and fetched a couple of towels to dry Saeran up. Saeran tried to heave himself up, just so he could lessen Saeyoung’s burden. Saeyoung didn’t say anything until he wrapped Saeran and made sure he was completely fine. He got him some clothes and let him dress himself—thankfully.

“What happened?” he asked again as soon as he sat next to Saeran (on the floor). “I heard you screaming,”

So he did make a sound.

“It’s…nothing important…” he tried to dismiss it. He wasn’t sure what kind of impression would Saeyoung get if he tells him he’s seeing nightmares. It was enough that he cared about his irregular sleep.

“You sure?” Saeyoung gave him a skeptical look.

“…I thought I saw…a spider…”

_A small lie won’t hurt anybody…_

But Saeyoung didn’t believe him.

“And what’s with the bruises? Have you been hurting yourself?”

He thought he might crack under the look Saeyoung gave him. Saeran bit his lips and shook his head.

“I just fell…”

Saeyoung examined the bruise under his eye and sighed. “You need to be more careful,”

Saeran nodded. Saeyoung looked at him for long, and Saeran was afraid he might start questioning him again. Luckily, Saeyoung didn’t. He gave Saeran a very light kiss near his bruise. “Here, to get better.”

Saeran smiled a little; it was always a sweet gesture as long as Yoosung—or anyone, in general—wasn’t around.

Saeyoung left the room, saying something like along the lines of, ‘I’ll get back to work.’ Saeran relaxed and leaned back against the bedside table. It was almost 5 in the morning; Haruka would be awake by now.

His phone buzzed, and he was right; Haruka was awake. But his reply worried Saeran a little…

 

**Haruka:** You’re texting me pretty often these days. :D

**Haruka:** Is something wrong?

 

Just why did he have to notice…? There was nothing wrong with texting someone very early in the morning, right?

_Who am I kidding? Of course he’d think something’s wrong._

Saeran felt tempted to tell him about Kibum. He’s been tempted to do that for a few days… But every time he thought about it, his nightmares would get worse, and he’d be anxious for the rest of the day.

Maybe he shouldn’t tell him now…

 

**Saeran:** No, nothing’s wrong.

**Saeran:** Just checking on you. ;P

 

He could imagine Haruka cringing behind the screen.

 

**Haruka:** Ugh… I just thought I heard my twin’s voice.

**Haruka:** Don’t do that. :(

**Saeran:** Okay. ;)

**Haruka:** -_-

**Haruka:** I’ll go get ready for school. Later!

 

It went fine, thankfully. Saeran felt himself smiling. Someone who talked like that couldn’t be a bad person, right?

Unless he was faking behind the screen—

Saeran shook his head. He was not going to let that thought come back to him. Not again. It was enough that he was afraid of going back to sleep, despite being very tired. And not to mention how his body ached from his bruises.

Sleeping was going to be tough.

As he got up, his phone buzzed again. It was Haruka again. As he read the message, Saeran’s heart dropped.

 

**Haruka:** Oh, btw… My twin wanted to meet you. Can you drop by at 7 tonight?

**Haruka:** I know you don’t like meeting people, but he’s the nicest person on earth! :D

**Haruka:** It’s fine if you don’t feel like it. I understand. :D I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing you to come over.

 

…Now what should he do?

Saeran knew that Haruka—if he was real—would be very disappointed if Saeran didn’t agree. But Saeran also knew that Haruka would be very disappointed if Saeran showed up just to make Haruka happy. So he’d be disappointed in both cases.

But if his twin is really as nice as Haruka said—

_Oh! Maybe I could ask him about Haruka!_

It was starting to border on obsession, but Saeran was ready to give anything to rid himself of the burden of being unsure. He wanted Haruka to be a nice person. He didn’t want all his efforts to go waste.

But first, he needed to sleep. There was only one solution to that.

Saeyoung.

Saeran left his room and slipped into Saeyoung’s. He was doing something on his computer—possibly related to work. Saeran felt tempted to turn back and leave him uninterrupted, but he tripped and fell. Saeyoung whipped around quick and took his headphones off. (He actually heard him…)

“Saeran!”

In a flash, Saeyoung was next to him, helping him sit up. He looked concerned. Saeran apologized quietly and bowed his head. Why did he always have to make Saeyoung worry for him like that?

“Are you alright?” Saeyoung asked in a gentle voice. “Do you need anything?”

“I…” he didn’t imagine he’d ever be asking this of Saeyoung again. It’s been a while, but he…really needed to sleep. “…Can you…I…uh….”

“Take a deep breath…”

Saeran did as he was told. He could feel his cheeks heating up a little. “Can I sleep…here w-with you…?”

It was very embarrassing to admit, but Saeyoung’s warmth may be the one thing that can keep those creepy Haruka-nightmares away. Saeyoung seemed to welcome the suggestion very much. And he didn’t ask about the reason, too. He excused himself to get changed while Saeran settled on the bed, holding the duvet tightly around himself to make it warmer.

“I must warn you, this will be awkward,” Saeyoung laughed nervously as he came back into the room. (He liked to change away so Saeran wouldn’t be uncomfortable.) Saeran knew it would be awkward, but he’ll get used to it. He used to sleep beside Saeyoung just a few months ago, anyway.

He closed his eyes just as Saeyoung got beneath the duvet next to him. He could feel his warmth and his arm as it sneaked around Saeran’s shoulders, keeping him close and secure. Saeran felt like smiling. It felt nice to be held by someone.

“Sweet dreams,” Saeyoung whispered. Saeran hoped that would be the case. He shouldn’t go to Haruka fearing him; he should focus on finding out the truth, no matter what it took.

That way, he will be at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> College started, and I can see a lot of to-be-assigned presentations and projects coming my way. T_T I hate presentations...
> 
> I'll try to study and keep up with the updates too. The project is coming to an end, anyway. I hope it ends as planned.


	12. A New Side Of Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you notice any mistake, typos or inconsistencies... You know what to do. ;D  
> Ahem... Enjoy.

_Shit…_

Saeran rarely worried about his clothes, but he was going to make a first impression on someone. He didn’t want to seem too dark or too bright, and he wanted to be comfortable at the same time.

_Why was choosing clothes so unnerving?_

“Just wear anything,” Yoosung, who was sitting on Saeran’s bed, pointed out. “Harumi won’t judge you for clothes.”

“It’s not that…I’m just…” Saeran didn’t know how to express what he felt without seeming like he cared about what that Harumi-guy would think. He just wanted to make them—Haruka and Harumi—feel comfortable.

Yeah…He cared about them more than himself. He was an idiot like that.

“Also, I think you should wear something relatively dark,” Yoosung said, thinking. “Harumi is…a bit bright when you meet him for the first time.”

Judging by the fact they were talking about clothes, Yoosung must have meant that Harumi dressed brightly. That would be interesting to see, considering that Haruka usually opted for dark colors—excluding the few times he wore white shirts.

“So…I’ll just wear a grey sweater…” Saeran said, sighing. He shooed Yoosung outside and got dressed. Just as he was putting on is socks, Saeyoung came in.

“Uh…at what time were you supposed to be there…?”

Saeran froze and stared at him, eyes wide. “…What time is it?”

“6:50,”

Saeran frantically put on his other sock and rushed to find his shoes. He had ten minutes to make it to Haruka’s place on time. “Hyung, get the car—”

But Saeyoung wasn’t even dressed.

_Why does this happen to me?_

* * *

Saeran arrived at the apartment complex. He tried not to rush, just in case someone saw him and asked him if anything was wrong. (The asking part bothered him most.) He tried to remember what floor Haruka’s apartment was located on. He could feel his mind wearing out every second. He gave up and texted Haruka.

As soon as he reached the right floor, he found the apartment. He took a moment to breathe before pushing the doorbell with a shaking hand. It was too late to turn back, but he was exhausted.

_Too much stress…_

His clothes were messy, and so was his face. If he didn’t care about Haruka, he would have turned around and went back home—Saeyoung was still waiting for him.

But it was already twenty minutes past seven; he was late. And turning back would be extremely rude.

He prayed it wouldn’t be a stressful visit.

Haruka opened the door. He wore a pink apron and his hair was tied back. He also looked worried. He muttered, ‘Oh my goodness,’ and let Saeran in. Saeran took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. Nothing was wrong—Haruka didn’t get mad; things were fine.

_Things were fine…_

“I’m sorry you had to go through this,”

_Okay, why is he apologizing now…?_

Haruka took off his apron and returned it to the kitchen. He led Saeran to the living room and seated him on the couch. “Do you need a glass of water? You look terrible,”

_I feel terrible too…_

“I’ll be okay. I lost track of time…”

Haruka smiled a little. “That’s fine. You could have told me that you’ll be late.”

Saeran pressed his hands against his face and groaned. Why didn’t he think of that earlier?

“I’m an idiot,”

“No, you’re not. You’re a great person,”

Haruka seemed to be feeling much better than usual. His eyes seemed brighter, and he was wearing the light blue sweater from last time.

“Are you giving me positive energy right now?”

Haruka giggled. _He actually giggled!_ Saeran thought it was kind of adorable; he looked like a kid receiving a Christmas present. (Saeran never actually saw one, but it was an expression Yoosung used to describe happiness.)

“Maybe. I think Harumi’s happiness rubbed off on me,” he said as he stood up. “I’ll serve dinner. If Harumi comes back home suddenly, don’t freak out; he’s a very nice person.”

Saeran trusted Haruka on that one—at least he’d blame him if Harumi wasn’t as nice as Haruka said.

Saeran wasn’t exactly alone; Haruka was serving dinner, and the dining area was connected to the room—it made him less awkward. Even if Harumi walked in, Haruka would—technically— be there too.

“How was your day?” Haruka asked as he placed the plates carefully on the table. Saeran could smell pasta and chicken.

“It was…okay…” Saeran replied. Trailing off was a mistake, because Haruka seemed to notice it. He gazed at Saeran for a while. Saeran couldn’t read him, but he guessed he was either skeptical or concerned.

Or both.

“You sure…?”

Saeran nodded. He wasn’t sure mentioning his nightmares would be a good idea—not under any circumstances.

“…If you say so…” he said with a light smile. He continued setting up the table. In a few minutes, everything was set—but there was no wine.

“You’re not going to have a wine with—”

Haruka shook his head and sighed. “…Harumi shouldn’t know I’ve been drinking…”

Drinking? Did Haruka have a habit of getting drunk?

“That’s better for your anxiety, you know.”

Haruka stared at him for a while, and then he laughed a little. “…Wow…You care about my anxiety more than I do,”

Saeran had a feeling that he should drop the subject. Statements like these were the key for Haruka to turn all sarcastic and apathetic—they should be avoided. Plus, he wanted to spend a good time with him.

The door clicked. Saeran didn’t look at it directly, and Haruka didn’t even look up. He just smiled. Saeran didn’t want to assume, but Haruka looked genuinely happy—it was like the smile he gave Saeran whenever Saeran explained something about sketching to him.

“I’m home,”

Saeran froze, but he wasn’t the only one—Haruka looked shocked too. The smile on Haruka’s face disappeared so quick it was actually alarming. He stopped everything he was doing, and his face showed anger—well, early stages of it. Saeran tried to pretend he was okay, but he recognized the voice. Something told him this was not going to end well.

“Kibum…”

The way Haruka said the name told Saeran a lot of things. Saeran had never seen Haruka angry before, and he had to admit he looked a little scary—especially compared to how positive he was just a few seconds ago.

Kibum saw Saeran and smiled. “Oh, I think I made it in time!”

Saran bowed his head in an awkward manner while Haruka just ignored Kibum. He went straight to his room and came back a few minutes later, grasping some keys.

“Forgot something in the car,” he said, heading for the door without looking at anyone. He slammed the door as he left. Saeran screamed mentally; _everything was going fine!_ Why did Kibum have to show up? Saeran had predicted they didn’t like each other, but Haruka looked like he was ready to kill Kibum if he could somehow dodge the blame.

Kibum, on the other hand, had a calm smile on his face. He took off his jacket and loosened his tie. “Man, he needs to work on his mood swings,”

Something about his tone unnerved Saeran.

“Harumi was—”

“Oh, right,” Kibum said. “Something came up, and Harumi wasn’t able to make it. So I came instead.”

Saeran found it fishy, especially with how happy Kibum seemed to be. It was like he didn’t mind being greeted by his brother like that.

This wasn’t good; it will only add more trouble to the situation.

“And, of course, I couldn’t just leave you alone with Haruka like that.” Kibum said, as if it was some sort of given fact. “He could hurt you,”

Saeran’s heart jumped a little; his mind went back to the strange dreams he’s been seeing, and he wondered if asking Kibum about that was and appropriate thing to do. He decided not to, since Kibum could use this to make him doubt Haruka even more. He wanted to wait till everything is clearer to him. Then, he’ll be able to judge for himself.

“I can take care of myself,” he said, going to the table. (Kibum motioned for him to do so. He wouldn’t have done that by himself.)

“You don’t know what Haruka can do…”

Kibum was looking at him with serious eyes. Saeran took a deep breath. _He could be exaggerating, Saeran… Haruka never actually hurt you, did he?_

But Saeran was sure that he, at that point, was denying the possibility just to comfort himself. It Haruka was as dangerous as Kibum made it sound, then perhaps being choked to death by him wasn’t as unlikely as he wanted to believe it was.

“I—”

“I tried to warn you, but you seem like you want to see for yourself,” Kibum said, shrugging. “It will get really ugly.”

 _No…Haruka can’t be like that._ He was a nice person. He was just…troubled. Saeran was like that too; he knew what it felt like. Unless Haruka’s troubles were different from his, there was no way he was that bad.

Saeran killed a man…

He shook his head—he shouldn’t be thinking about this. He wasn’t that person anymore. He was Choi Saeran—a nice (not really) clean person (he tries to be).

_Haruka can’t be worse…_

_Or can he…?_

Haruka came back; he had two bottles of wine with him, and he looked angrier than he was before. He placed them on the table, took out a glass and sat down. Saeran was two chairs away from him, and Kibum was sitting across Saeran.

“You’re not going to—”

“Use your legs.”

Kibum chuckled as he went to get a wine glass for himself. Saeran picked up his knife and fork and started to eat (awkwardly)—Haruka had prepared chicken parmesan and pasta. Saeran had that very dish before—with Jumin during some sort of visit. (He wasn’t sure what the purpose was, but it wasn’t that bad.) According to Jumin, it was best to pair the dish with a medium light wine… But why was Haruka’s wine so dark…?

“Haruka…”

Haruka glanced at him as he poured himself a glass. Saeran’s wine knowledge was limited, but he knew that dark wine meant higher alcohol content, and was supposed to be served in smaller amounts. But Haruka was just…pouring…

Was he planning to drink till he passed out?

Saeran felt tempted to reach out and stop him from downing his glass. Haruka wasn’t even eating! Saeran glanced back at Kibum who just smiled. He seemed to enjoy his meal.

Or maybe he enjoyed seeing Haruka act so strange and agitated.

“Haruka, you shouldn’t drink—”

“I’ll be fine,” he replied curtly. Saeran flinched. He hadn’t heard that cold voice in a while. He felt less hungry as time passed. Haruka didn’t look at him, but Kibum did. He was still smiling.

_Is he trying to prove his point?_

It reached a point where Saeran was unable to take another bite out of his food. He felt sick. Haruka had downed the second glass of wine, and was pouring a third glass. Kibum occasionally initiated talks, but they ended quickly. Haruka didn’t talk; he just kept looking ticked off.

_Relax, Saeran…_

“So, Saeran… How was your week?” Kibum asked in a pleasant voice. (He had a good, clear tone; it was hard to find it unpleasant.) Saeran didn’t feel like answering the question would be the end of it. Kibum had some sort of purpose.

Or maybe that was just some sort of common courtesy he wasn’t aware of.

“Good.”

“But you haven’t been sleeping well, have you?”

Saeran shot Kibum a glance; he was smiling. Haruka’s eyes were fixed on Saeran, as if he was waiting for the answer. Was he worried? Or…Or did he suspect something…?

_He can’t have known… Haruka isn’t good at reading tones…._

Saeran shook his head. “No, I haven’t…”

“Your eyes do look tired,” Kibum set his cutlery aside. “Well, why aren’t you eating? Haruka doesn’t like his food to go waste.”

“I—”

“He doesn’t have to eat if he doesn’t feel like it,” Haruka said coldly. He was looking at Kibum. “I don’t think it’s up to you to ask such a question.”

“Strange… I thought you’d worry about his well-being, since he’s your _friend_ …”

Haruka put his wine glass down a little too roughly. His food was untouched, and his free hand was shaking. Saeran felt his own body start to shake as well; almost like he was resonating. This wasn’t good; if he panicked now...he won’t be able to help Haruka…

_Haruka can manage it… Like he did that other time…_

He found comfort in that thought. Haruka was way better than him at managing his panic—and that incident at Yoosung’s apartment was not the only proof. Haruka tended to show signs of panic at unexpected things, yet he always seemed to know how to prevent it.

_He’d be fine…_

“You are in no position to judge whether I care about him or not,” Haruka stated coldly.

“I’m doing what’s best for everyone,” Kibum said, shrugging. “We both know you have the emotional span of a—”

“Saeran,” Haruka stood up. He didn’t look at Saeran, but he could feel anger radiating off of him. “Can you…Can you please give us a moment…?”

Saeran was slightly worried. Kibum didn’t look affected by Haruka’s tone. But Saeran wasn’t going to cross him; he needed to wash his face, anyway—he was getting anxious.

Saeran nodded and got up, heading for the bathroom. As curious as he was, he didn’t want to hear whatever conversation the two were having. He didn’t want to find out anything—he was scared.

Of course, he expected to feel anxious, but not like this. This was more stressing than he had expected, and that was extremely alarming.

He washed his face—the cold water felt good on his skin. It helped him cool down. His hunger was long gone, replaced with the familiar twisted feeling of anxiety.

_Maybe…if he just overhears a bit…_

Saeran knew he was going to regret this. If he found out what Haruka’s like…

Was this the right choice…?

Saeran took careful steps back into the hallway. As soon as he could hear them clearly, he stopped. Haruka’s voice sounded very annoyed.

“I know what you’re thinking, Kibum.”

“Good, you’re becoming smarter.”

“My friendship with Saeran is something you should stay out of,”

“We both know you’re not looking for friendship,” Kibum sounded very serious. “When have you ever sought ‘friendship’? All you care about is yourself, am I wrong?”

Silence. Saeran’s chest clenched and it felt as if the air was knocked out of him. Why wasn’t Haruka answering…?

“Saeran’s different.”

“That’s what you said about Yoosung too,”

Yoosung? What about Yoosung…? Yoosung…Yoosung said Haruka was a nice person. He never mentioned anything bad about him… Or could he have hidden something from Saeran…?

“…Yoosung wasn’t—”

“Tainted enough…? Are you going to use Saeran for your own pleasure, then? Like you—”

“No! God!”

A loud sound of slamming reached Saeran’s ears—maybe Haruka slammed his hands on the table…? Saeran sincerely hoped this wasn’t Kibum’s head…

“Saeran is my friend!”

“Does he think so too, though?”

Saeran sat down against the wall. Use him…? Did Kibum mean…sexually? But Haruka never showed any interest in him. He was always so careful with Saeran, as not to invade his personal space or annoy him. Sometimes he’d cross the line, but they were only a few moments. (And his hugs were comfortable too.)

_Haruka can’t have meant anything bad… But he’s not exactly denying it…_

“I care about Saeran,”

But did he not care about Yoosung, then...?

“Of course,”

“Don’t use that tone with me!”

Haruka’s voice was loud and unfamiliar. He seemed to have reached the peak of his anger. Saeran had to admit: if he was angry, Kibum’s tone would have really gotten to him.

“You seem to forget that I’m older than you,”

“You seem to forget that I don’t give a fuck!”

Saeran hugged his knees; this talk wasn’t helping. He only got away with more doubt, and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to face Haruka now. He was tired—the visit didn’t give him any sort of clarification; only more doubt.

_But Haruka didn’t deny it…_

**CRASH!**

It sounded like a bottle breaking. Saeran jumped up in his place, and his heartbeat increased painfully. His breathing wasn’t even, and it took him a while to get to his feet without falling. He rushed back to the dining area.

And he wished he didn’t see what he saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem...so...yeah...  
> I'll try to update by Friday or Saturday. I can't promise, though. I'm bad at keeping promises.
> 
> Also, next chapter will most likely contain triggers (blood, self-harm and panic attacks). If I manage to write them without trouble, that is.
> 
> You are very appreciated. Thank you! ^^ (I feel like giving positive messages...)


	13. I Can't Help Him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...I'm not sure about this chapter. Self-harm is on Haruka's part, and there is no actual description for it. Panic is also on Haruka's part, but I'd say you should tread with caution; sometimes _seeing_ someone have a panic attack triggers yours. (But I'm sure you already knew that. Anyway, take care.)
> 
> If you spot any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know.

Wine…and blood…

Kibum was on the floor. His head was drenched in wine—well, Saeran hoped it was wine. Haruka stood, holding a broken wine bottle. Saeran, thankfully, wasn’t too rushed—or he would have stepped on the remnants of the bottle.

_Did Haruka hit Kibum with that?_

Well, of course; how else would Kibum get injured? He found it hard to comprehend. Kibum didn’t seem fazed—at least until he saw Saeran. He looked scared.

“Saeran, get away!” he said. Haruka turned his attention to Saeran. All the anger disappeared, and Saeran saw fear; pure, unbridled fear. Haruka’s eyes flicked to Kibum, then back to Saeran. He dropped the broken bottle, and gripped Saeran by the shoulders. Saeran froze—Haruka’s grip was pretty strong.

“I—I didn’t—” Haruka stammered. His voice was louder than usual, and it held a lot of fear in it. “I didn’t do it! I—”

Saeran wanted to back away, but Haruka wasn’t going to let go. He was scared—Haruka was scared.

“It’s—I—”

“Haruka…”

“I didn’t do it… No… It wasn’t me…” he started muttering, eyes moving around frantically. Kibum was on his feet, looking wary.

Should Saeran just…play along…?

“Haruka… You…”

“I didn’t kill them…”

Them…?

“I didn’t kill them…It wasn’t me…”

Haruka didn’t seem to be aware of Saeran’s presence anymore. He seemed trapped—Saeran felt a familiar dread wash over him. _He can’t help Haruka…_

“You didn’t kill them…”

“…I didn’t…”

“Haruka…”

“But they say I did…”

Kibum went to the hallway. He was probably heading to the bathroom to clean his face. Saeran hoped his wounds weren’t deep enough to make him unable to help—Saeran didn’t know what to do to bring Haruka back.

And even if he did, Haruka would probably be too ashamed to look him in the eye. Or worse; he could be angry once again.

_What should I do…?_

Haruka’s coldness was starting to get to Saeran’s body. It made his shivers worse. Haruka seemed to notice it, and his reaction wasn’t…what Saeran expected.

“A-are you…scared of me…?”

His voice broke at the end, like he didn’t want Saeran to say yes. Saeran wasn’t planning on saying that, but he had to admit he was scared—no, he was terrified. His heart felt like it was either going to burst or stop completely.

_Anything could trigger him…_

“I’m...n-not…” he answered quietly. Haruka looked at him, as if searching his face for something—something that would prove Saeran was lying. Saeran knew this all too well. He knew this wasn’t going to end on a good note.

“You are…! You’re scared of me!” Haruka let go of Saeran’s shoulders as if they were something on fire. He took a step back. “Why else would you be shaking?! You’re scared, right?!”

“Haruka—”

“Don’t lie to me!”

Haruka stepped back but lost his balance. His hand, which he had intended to use for support, landed on a few stray glass shards. Saeran flinched, and he expected Haruka to scream in pain, or to yell, or to, at least, shudder. But Haruka didn’t seem to notice the glass digging into his skin.

“Haruka, your hand—”

“...I deserve this…” Haruka spoke quietly. He didn’t look back at Saeran again—something that made Saeran feel worse than before. Haruka wasn’t planning anything, right? And why wasn’t he aware of his wounds?

“Haruka, please get up.”

“…” Haruka didn’t hear him—Saeran was sure. Haruka was trapped within his own head, and all Saeran could do was hope. _Haruka can deal with panic; he did it before…_

Saeran approached him, holding onto the hope that Haruka was calming down. It would be easy to treat his hand if he didn’t put up a fight. It seemed that the worst stage was over.

‘Seemed’ was the keyword; because Saeran realized he was wrong. Haruka wasn’t calming down—he was getting ready for the final and worst stage of his fit. Saeran had barely touched his shoulder when Haruka jumped up and slapped his hand away. He looked at Saeran, and his eyes showed a mix of emotions—fear was the most obvious.

“Don’t touch me!” Haruka screeched, grabbing his wine glass and hurling it in Saeran’s direction. Saeran barely dodged it. It hit the door frame and broke, and the wine stained the wall.

Why was Haruka refusing his help?

_Oh…Haruka isn’t here…is he..?_

This person in front of him was not Haruka; it was a person he didn’t know—a person with some sort of trauma that Saeran was unaware of, trying to get away from it. Or maybe he was trying to push Saeran away so he wouldn’t follow.

Either way, Saeran was unable to help him.

“Haruka, I want to help you—”

“Help me? You? Ha!” Haruka said, laughing. It was the kind of laugh that a psychopath-wannabe would laugh, but with a lot of sarcastic element to it. “You can’t help me.”

Saeran felt himself getting a little riled up. His anxiety has faded, and anger was starting to show. How could Haruka not see his help? He’s been doing this since they met!

“Do you think I would have been here if I wasn’t helping you?”

Haruka stared at him for a while, as if he was saying something strange. “You’re here because I want you to.”

Want? Did Haruka think he was in control of…whatever this was?

“I’m here because I texted you first!”

At that point, Saeran was desperate. All this started when he thought he should make the first move for Haruka. He was helping him get closer, even though he didn’t like him much. He listened to him and tried to apologize for something that wasn’t his fault. He helped him talk to Yoosung—

How could he think Saeran was doing this just because ‘he wanted him to’?

“So…” Haruka spoke. He was unnaturally quiet. It sent shivers through Saeran’s body, especially after considering how loud he was a few seconds ago. “…You don’t want to be my friend…?”

“What…?”

What was this…? His mood, face and tone changed quickly and alarmingly. What went through his head…?

But Haruka wasn’t going to reply. He was back to his own head again. “…No one wanted to… I forced them to be my friends…” he said, staring at his bleeding hand. He sat down brought his knees closer to his body. “…I failed…”

Was this what…Kibum was talking about…?

“No, Haruka—look; I—”

“You don’t have to pretend…” Haruka said. “I knew it from the start…No one liked me…”

He started to pull whatever glass shards he could get out of his hand. He moved in a slow manner, as if his hand was extremely heavy. He kept muttering to himself as he moved. Saeran glanced at the hallway; Kibum didn’t come back.

Was he okay?

“Haruka, let’s get your wounds cleaned,” Saeran spoke gently, trying to mimic the tone Saeyoung had used before. Haruka didn’t seem affected. He stared at the blood on his hands—it was almost dry.

“…What’s the point? I’ll just—” Haruka dragged a piece of glass across his hand. “—do it again…”

Haruka smiled. He _smiled._

Saeran felt a shiver run through him like electricity. He was sure it was visible, because he lost his balance. For a few seconds, everything seemed unrealistic, and his legs gave away, like he fell through the ground. He didn’t, though; he hit the floor hard, but he felt no pain.

_What the fuck does he think he’s doing?_

“Haruka, no!”

But calling his name wasn’t enough. Saeran had to find the power to move and yank Haruka’s hand away.

“This won’t help you. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Haruka stared at him blankly.

“Are you saying this because I triggered you?” Haruka asked. “…Or because you care…?”

The correct answer was…both. Saeran cared. He really did. And he could see himself in Haruka’s actions. Saeran knew better—he knew how tough this was, and how horrible that stage is.

But how could he relay this onto Haruka? Haruka wasn’t going to believe him, anyway.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Haruka smiled, but it didn’t show on his eyes. He looked…dead…

“Everything is wrong. It was always wrong, and it will always remain so…”

“…”

Haruka took a breath. He looked tired. Was it because of the blood? He didn’t hurt himself enough to bleed to death, did he?

Saeran froze, and his heart sank. _He forgot to check Haruka’s hand!_

He crouched next to him and grabbed his hand. Midway, he realized he could be hurting Haruka, but Haruka showed no response. His hand had deep cuts, but nothing fatal. He didn’t get to his wrist, thankfully. But the blood… He needed to get this treated fast.

“Come on, let’s get your hand treated,” he said, speaking slowly. He tugged at Haruka’s hand gently and tried to get him to his feet, but he didn’t move. Saeran hadn’t thought Haruka would be this heavy. Or maybe Saeran was the weak one—it was a possibility.

“…You hate me, don’t you…?”

_No, please don’t do this…_

“You talked to Kibum, didn’t you?” Haruka asked quietly. “You heard him when he talked to me just now too…But you were scared…” he went on. His body was moving a little—he was shaking. “You’re scared of me…Right?”

Saeran wasn’t scared—at least not completely. He was just…doubtful. That was normal for someone with anxiety, right? If Haruka had anxiety too, he’d understand.

Should he tell him the truth?

It didn’t seem like a good idea, but he didn’t want to leave Haruka doubting him. If he makes it clear that he’s telling what he thought with good intentions, Haruka would understand, right?

But no…Saeran wouldn’t have liked Saeyoung to admit he thought of him as a burden… He wouldn’t have liked Yoosung to tell him that Saeran was being mean to him (at least at first).

Saeran heard breathing—uneven and seemingly-forced. He was pretty sure it wasn’t his.

Of course it wasn’t—it was Haruka.

Haruka’s erratic breathing made Saeran snap back to reality—itwas getting louder and more uneven. It felt like he wasn’t able to breathe, no matter how much air he took in. Saeran could feel his own chest tighten—

 _No!_ He couldn’t let this take control of him! How would he help Haruka?

“Haruka, don’t panic—”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said that!” Haruka repeated that over and over, and each time, it sounded less recognizable. His other hand gripped Saeran’s arm and Saeran yelped in pain. _Haruka had been clutching a piece of glass all along!_

He wanted to pull away, but the glass was digging through the sweater and into his skin. The uncomfortable yet familiar feeling of pain brought him back to the days when he used to hurt himself and cry, just like Haruka was doing in front of him. He felt helpless—he couldn’t help Haruka, just like he couldn’t help himself.

“I—I—” Haruka’s gasps for breath turned into breathless sobs, and Saeran had a feeling that Haruka might pass out if he didn’t breathe properly. Well…Saeran was starting to feel a little light-headed himself… It wasn’t a good sign.

But what could he do? He knew nothing about Haruka—

_Kibum._

Should he call for him? Or will that make Haruka worse? Haruka probably couldn’t hear him in the midst of his panic. (Was this how his panic attacks were like?) He could call Kibum’s name—

The thought made him nervous—what if Kibum was reluctant to help Haruka?

_No, he can’t be. They’re siblings._

Saeran stuck to that thought—it made him feel comfortable. Well, at least a little.

He called Kibum and thankfully, Haruka showed no reaction—which, on second thought, wasn’t better. Saeran would have given anything to make Haruka snap back to reality. He tried speaking to him to help him return to his senses, but it was impossible— _Haruka couldn’t hear him._

“I told you to get away—Oh my God!”

In a few seconds, Haruka’s hand left Saeran’s arm. Kibum crouched in front of Haruka and took out his phone. He was calling someone. Harumi, maybe?

Saeran checked his arm—it was a deep wound. _Dammit…_

He stood and hurried to the bathroom, glancing at Haruka as he left. He could hear his sobs from the bathroom, and it made his insides twist with guilt. Why couldn’t he help him? Why couldn’t he prevent this from happening…?

_Maybe if he hadn’t accepted Haruka’s invitation…_

His sleeve was torn where the glass had been. It was okay—he really didn’t like that sweater much. He took it off to get a better look at his wounds, and he groaned. Seriously, why the hell did his body get bruised easily? There were bruises everywhere and, besides the fact that they were going to ache like hell next morning, hiding them from Saeyoung was impossible. Even his neck was bruised.

He washed the wound, but it kept bleeding. Judging by its length, it needed a stitch. (Saeran knew—it didn’t matter how; he just knew…) Haruka’s hands probably needed stitches too…

He heard a new voice—a worried one. He could tell this was a woman—Haruka’s mother, maybe. The voice died down, and Haruka’s voice became quieter. Soon, Kibum was peeking into the bathroom. He gasped when he saw Saeran’s body.

“Holy shit…”

He stepped in to check Saeran’s wound. He looked a little worried. “Is this normal? The bruises, I mean?”

Saeran just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice much. He felt like he had been shaken awake roughly—he was confused, aching and dazed. Kibum’s face had some band-aids on his cheeks and forehead. It seemed that he had no deep wounds.

“Haruka will be okay…He just needs some stitches,” Kibum said, looking at the hallway. He seemed…a little guilty. (It could be just Saeran’s imagination.) “You should come with us—your arm needs treatment.”

Saeran finished wrapping his arm with gauze and put on his sweater again. “You don’t have to.”

“No. It’s kind of my fault you got hurt,” Kibum said, sighing. “I…I had to do this…”

“Haruka was doing fine.”

“That’s what you saw. I couldn’t wait for you to find out the hard way.”

Saeran couldn’t imagine something harder than what he had just witnessed.

“What happened to him?” he asked. There had to be something behind that reaction—especially when Haruka said he ‘didn’t kill’.

_Kill…_

“…” Kibum looked like he didn’t want to answer. “…I think you should get the answers from Haruka himself. He shouldn’t hate me more than he already does.” He looked at Saeran’s arm again. “Oh, let me get you a new sweater.”

He left the bathroom. Saeran wasn’t sure if Kibum was avoiding the question, but he wasn’t going to assume—he’s had enough with assumptions.

Once Kibum returned, Saeran changed. He could feel his body—notably arms and sides—ache. It was definitely going to be a pain to hide. (If that was a valid pun, Saeran wasn’t very proud of it.)

“We’re heading to the hospital,” Kibum said. “You should come too; your arm needs treatment.”

Saeran wasn’t going to protest, but he didn’t feel like going. He felt exhausted. In addition to the pain in his body—

_Maybe he should have just declined Haruka’s invitation…_

* * *

Haruka’s mother drove him home. She looked like Kibum a lot, but she seemed much more carefree—at least after they left the hospital. Her hair was short and messy, like she forgot to brush it on purpose. (Saeran had no idea how that worked.)

“I apologize on Haruka’s behalf,”

Saeran didn’t know if he should actually be mad at Haruka, or if he should be upset or whatever. He didn’t know how to feel about this. Was he angry? Not really. Was he sad? …Not that either. There was a lingering feeling of emptiness inside him as Haruka’s mother drove him back to the bunker.

“…It’s okay,”

Of course, it wasn’t okay. He was still a bit shaken. He had more to think about—be it Haruka or Yoosung or his bruises. He was definitely not getting any sleep that night.

“I should have watched him more, but I thought he was getting better,” Haruka’s mother—Jiyeon—said and sighed. “Turns out he’s not.”

Saeran wasn’t going to beat around the bush anymore. “What does Haruka have, exactly?”

He glanced at Jiyeon’s face; her expression had turned a bit sour. “He thinks he’s ill.”

For a second, Saeran felt a pain in his chest, but it wasn’t that pan associated with panic—he thought he was having a real heart attack. But the pain was gone as soon as it came.

“Thinks…?”

“His brother got it into his head—that he’s ill and needs treatment, I mean,” she said, not bothering to change her annoyed tone. “It was bearable until his brother killed himself and ‘left Haruka alone’ or whatever,” she made a quotation-mark gesture and spoke sarcastically. It wasn’t like how worried she seemed to be earlier.

But Haruka had a brother who killed himself?

“Kibum never mentioned any brother,”

“No one does, just in case Haruka got emotional and all,”

The amount of sarcasm in her voice made Saeran feel complicated. Kibum had said similar things.

Was Haruka…deluded?

But even then, it still counted as an illness.

“So he’s—”

“Look, I wouldn’t completely believe Haruka,” Jiyeon said, sighing. “I never know what he’s thinking, and he doesn’t let you on everything he thinks.” She shrugged. “How did you meet him, anyway?”

“Uh…” Saeran cleared his throat. Should he tell her? She probably knew Yoosung, right? “I’m a-a friend of Yoosung’s,”

“Oh,” she hummed. She looked surprised. “I thought he’d warn you.”

_Warn me?_

“Oh, we’re here…” Jiyeon said as she checked her phone. “…I’m really sorry you had to witness that. I’ll…let you know when Haruka recovers…”

Saeran felt a little glad she seemed to notice that he cared (for some unknown reason). He thanked her and got out of the car. It was late—Saeyoung would be working. If Saeran could sneak in…he wouldn’t have to face Saeyoung or explain anything.

Jiyeon drove off, and Saeran took a deep breath. He felt completely drained, and a little relieved. At least it was over…or was it?

_‘I didn’t kill them…’_

Saeran could recall the fear in Haruka’s voice. Something was definitely wrong—unless Haruka was a really good actor, he wouldn’t be this—this—

Saeran shook his head (a bad move; it hurt) and sighed. He shouldn’t think. He had more important things to focus on—escaping Saeyoung’s notice. And as much as he knew he wouldn’t be able to go unnoticed, since he’d have to face him in the morning, he didn’t care.

Tomorrow comes later. He had to get whatever rest he could, because tomorrow was going to be a long day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost over. I don't like ending stories; wrapping them up is pretty challenging. (I never actually finished a story before, lol.) But I'll manage! ^_^
> 
> If you have any tips regarding panic and self-harm, please let me know. I want to get better at writing them. (Once again, I'm thankful for everything, even you reading this note.)


	14. Wait For Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't mess up as much as I think I did.
> 
> If you notice any mistakes, typos or inconsistencies, please let me know.

A long day indeed.

Yoosung found out Saeran had gotten hurt, and had decided to visit him as soon as he was done with his classes. He brought some ice cream over, which was perfect—Saeran needed something to cool down his head and relax.

Asking questions when he’s relaxed was always easy.

“How did it go?”

Saeran took a sudden breath, and it drew Yoosung’s attention. Saeran knew he had to face it—if he didn’t tell Yoosung, he wasn’t going to get any answers.

“…Not well…”

“I figured…” Yoosung said. He was probably referring to Saeran’s arm. “Harumi couldn’t stop him?”

Was this something Haruka normally did?

“He wasn’t there. Kibum was.”

“Oh, so that’s why…” Yoosung replied. Saeran blinked. He was sure his face showed nothing by confusion. Yoosung noticed and sighed. “Haruka doesn’t like Kibum much.”

“I could see that,”

“Did Kibum say anything weird?”

Saeran took a deep breath. If he was going to find out about Haruka, he had to tell Yoosung everything. He couldn’t afford to miss out on any detail. Not a single one.

“He kept referring to our conversation…” Saeran trailed off. “I don’t recall I told you about it…”

“You didn’t,”

“…Kibum said Haruka was faking…”

Yoosung didn’t look very surprised. In fact, he almost looked like he knew this was coming. “Ah, Kibum does say that a lot.”

“…Really?”

Yoosung nodded. “He said that very same thing when I asked him about Haruka’s anxiety, back when I first met him.”

Oh, this was going in the direction Saeran wanted.

“Haruka used to skip classes a lot—not because he wanted to; there were reasons like, ‘I’m already late’ or ‘this professor keeps asking me questions’. It worried me because he was starting to neglect his studies,”

“Look who’s talking,”

Yoosung shot him a glare—which wasn’t very threatening for the sole fact this was Yoosung. “Anyway, I wanted to help him, because he was my first college friend. I turned to his family to see whether they were aware of what was happening to him—”

“Without his permission?”

“Of course not—he’d kill me if I acted on my own,” Yoosung said, shaking his head. “He didn’t seem to like the idea, but he let me. He thought I could convince them…”

“But you couldn’t,”

“I wish, but it got worse—they thought he befriended me so that I can try and convince them there’s something wrong with him,”

_Wait…That’s it!!_

Saeran jumped up and stared at Yoosung for a while, and then he gripped his head. He felt a little dizzy as he started to come to a conclusion. Everything shaped in his mind so easily that he actually couldn’t believe it.

“That’s what Kibum meant!”

“What—”

Saeran gripped Yoosung by the shoulders, but he loosened his grip because his arm hurt. “Kibum said Haruka was going to use me like he used you! That’s what Kibum meant!”

Saeran felt like he could do a dance to express his delight, but he also felt a little anxious. Haruka said that Saeran was different. Then…was he really using Yoosung?

“Oh…Haruka wasn’t…using me…”

Yoosung seemed upset. Saeran could feel his excitement fade away, and worry replaced it. He didn’t hurt Yoosung’s feelings, right?

“Yoosung…”

“…Never mind. It’s over now,”

Yoosung smiled, but Saeran still felt bad. He didn’t mean to sound like this was the absolute truth. He also didn’t think mentioning that Haruka didn’t deny it was a good idea.

“Sorry…”

“No, it’s okay… It’s different now, so we’re good,”

Different? Did he mean with Haruka? Saeran felt a little complicated. Usually, when he looked like that, Saeyoung would sit next to him and—

“Do you want to talk about it?” Saeran said, sitting down beside Yoosung. Yoosung gave him a surprised look, and Saeran smiled a little. He felt better when Yoosung returned the smile.

“Are you comforting me now?”

“I’ll try,”

Yoosung laughed a little. “Talking about it won’t change anything. And it won’t really help you much…”

“I see…” Saeran said. He was curious, but Yoosung looked uncomfortable, and Saeran wasn’t going to pressure him. He had reached the conclusion he wanted. Now…all he had to do was…

What was he going to do with that information?

“Hey…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to say he used you…”

“That alright; Haruka did use me,” Yoosung replied, smiling nervously. “Just…not like that…”

Saeran felt his heart jump. What was Yoosung talking about?

“Did he…hurt you?”

“What? No,” Yoosung shook his head. “Haruka isn’t a creep,”

How Yoosung’s mind came to a conclusion that this was what Saeran had meant was a mystery.

“He tried to make me depend on him…to prove his worth…”

Saeran felt a grip on his chest. This…sounded familiar. It sounded very familiar. Something like electricity shot through his body, and he almost fell off of the couch. He hoped it didn’t show—he didn’t want Yoosung to worry about triggering his anxiety.

“Haruka…wants to prove his worth…?” Saeran asked. He tried to stay natural, but the gripping feeling in his chest wasn’t going away. A few moments more, and he would start to feel suffocated.

“He thinks that he has to help people in order to earn their friendship.” Yoosung explained. “He wants to feel useful,”

Is that why he got mad when Saeran said he was helping him?

“Do you think…I should talk to him…?”

Yoosung looked like he was thinking. “…I don’t know…What do you want to ask him about?”

“Everything…” Saeran replied, feeling the grip on his chest loosen. “I should have done that a while ago…I can’t wait for him to come back.”

“Good luck,” Yoosung smiled. He looked a little worried. “You’ll need it.”

Saeran didn’t need to be told so—he knew he was in for a bumpy ride when he first made that decision. (Like, a couple of minutes ago.) He only hoped that his conclusion was correct, because he didn’t feel like he’ll be able to understand Haruka’s mind all over again.

* * *

“What do you mean he’s not here?”

Saeran felt angry. Kibum could be lying, and Saeran didn’t feel like he could believe him. And the way his cold eyes stared at Saeran was fueling his anger.

“What do you think it means?”

“I have to see him!”

“No, you don’t,” Kibum said in a decisive tone. “You have to stay away from him.”

“I know how to help him,”

“Aren’t you being arrogant, now?” Kibum sneered. “Who do you think you are?”

“His friend!”

Kibum stared at him emotionlessly. “Haruka can’t make friends…”

What was wrong with him? Why was he talking like he knew everything?! Saeran felt the urge to push Kibum down, but he knew hurting him wouldn’t help, even if it made him feel satisfied for a period of time. There had to be a better solution.

“I have to reach him, “ Saeran said, trying to sound like he didn’t mind Kibum. “I’ll drop by later today.”

He turned away and walked to the elevator. He heard something like, ‘We’ll see if you do,’ before the apartment’s door closed. Something about that statement made him feel a bit worried. Kibum looked desperate to keep him away.

But Saeran wasn’t going to stay away, was he?

He walked back to the bunker. It was getting dark. The air was cool—Saeran took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind. He tried to forget Kibum’s annoying voice, and all the doubt and questions he wanted to confront Haruka about. He should relax now. All he had to do was to meet Haruka and talk to him. It will all be clear soon.

All that remained was for him to be ready—in case Haruka’s feelings were really fake…

How did he get so attached to him? There was nothing to be attached to. Haruka was confusing and unpredictable—one second he’s happy, next he’s angry, then he’s anxious. And the amount of self-hate he had could almost rival Saeran’s.

But Haruka was also kind and nice. He was smart—Saeran was able to teach him how to sketch objects in only three days. He was a good listener and—even if Haruka didn’t realize it—he was good at comforting others (no words; only hugs).

These two attitudes were one person. The angry Haruka who hurt him was also the same Haruka who gave hugs (as cold as they were) and listened to Saeran’s problems. Saeran should like him no matter what he was like—he should accept him and help him become a better person. That’s what Saeyoung did to him, right?

But Saeran was not Saeyoung; he wasn’t a nice caring person. He was a tired grumpy person who hated being confused. He hated having to understand people. He got tired of useless drama.

But why wasn’t he tried of Haruka yet?

His phone buzzed—it was a message from an unknown number. Saeran felt wary, and he glanced around him. No one was following him. He glanced back at the message.

**XXX:** Hey! You shouldn’t be walking alone this late. :O

 

Saeran thought he heard Haruka’s voice. He looked around once again to make sure he was alone.

 

**Saeran:** Who are you?

**XXX:** Guess. ;D

**Saeran:** …Harumi…?

It was only a random guess, based on the fact Haruka had mentioned that Harumi talked like that.

“Correct!”

Saeran almost jumped up, but not at the sudden appearance of the voice; it was more like at how loud and happy it was. He turned around quickly and, much to his amusement, the stranger yelped and jumped.

“Gee, give me a warning or something,” he said, laughing a little. “I’m Harumi, just like you guessed.”

He did look like Haruka, but with shorter hair. Saeran could see his face, and his hair had crazy highlights. (Mainly blue and pink.)

“Oh…Nice to meet you…”

“Same, same,” Harumi waved his hand. “But that’s not what’s important. I heard my brother had injured you,”

Saeran didn’t nod—he wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want to blame Haruka for what happened. Haruka wasn’t in his right mind when he did that.

“Is he okay?”

“I’m afraid not,” Harumi replied, frowning. “He hasn’t come back home. He was supposed to have left the hospital this morning, but he didn’t return.”

Saeran felt a pang of guilt. Haruka…wasn’t going to hurt himself, was he?

“Should I call—”

“No need to,” Harumi said. He was smiling, and his voice sounded gentle. “I know where he is,”

Saeran’s heart beat a little faster. “You know…?”

Harumi smiled. “You want to see him, don’t you?”

“I want to talk to him about something,”

“He wants to talk to you too, I believe,” Harumi grinned. “But I think you should wait for him to reach you.”

It sounded like a good idea; Saeran should give Haruka time to be ready to explain whatever he wanted to. But deep down, Saeran felt a little worried. What if Haruka never reached him?

“I understand,”

He couldn’t voice his thoughts; Harumi wouldn’t be able to help him, anyway. It’s not like he’d force Haruka to hear Saeran out.

“Great! I was hoping you wouldn’t stress over it,”

_Heh…Yeah, sure…_

“Don’t worry,”

Harumi smiled. “Do you need me to walk you home? You shouldn’t be walking alone this late,”

“What about you?”

Harumi laughed and ruffled his own hair. “I know how to defend myself. But you look frail. Even Haruka is stronger than you,”

Saeran didn’t know if he should feel angry or offended. He sighed and shook his head.

“You shouldn’t bother,”

“Look, I’m not taking no for an answer,” Harumi said, bluntly. He raised an eyebrow and stared at Saeran. “Do you think Haruka will let me go if something happened to you?”

Did Haruka…care that much?

“Fine…”

Harumi clapped and giggled. “Mission accomplished!”

Saeran could imagine what kind of walk it would be; a walk with a Saeyoung-wannabe who looked like he had just walked through a rainbow…yet somehow he still looked okay…

Harumi talked about many things, but most of them were related to programming. Saeran didn’t tell him he could hack, and he stuck to things like making games and all that. Harumi seemed delighted. He was pretty talkative, but Saeran didn’t dislike his company; even though it was hard to keep up with all the topics.

Their walk seemed to end pretty quickly. Harumi was disappointed.

“I really enjoyed talking to you,” he said. “Even though you didn’t speak much.”

“I enjoyed it too,”

“I’ll make sure to talk less next time,” Harumi smiled. “As soon as everything is resolved with Haruka, you can come over and play games with us. We’ll invite Yoosung too!”

“That would be nice…” Saeran trailed off. He could feel his stress returning a little. “I hope things go well…”

Harumi stared at him for a while. He stepped closer and held Saeran by the shoulders. The bruises hurt, but he didn’t want to mention that—he shouldn’t make Harumi uncomfortable. Harumi smiled.

“Will a hug be okay with you?” he asked. Saeran nodded faintly, and Harumi wrapped his arms around him. He was warm, unlike Haruka. His grip was very careful, which was good since it didn’t hurt as much as he expected. “…It will be okay, trust me…”

Saeran took a breath and closed his eyes. Was it really going to be okay? Harumi probably knew better, but that didn’t mean Saeran wasn’t going to worry. If only he could see into the future…

Harumi let go and cleared his throat. “That was longer than I intended. Sorry,”

He also had that habit of apologizing a lot. Maybe Saeran should learn to accept it.

“That’s okay,”

“Don’t stress over it,” Harumi said. “And wait for him. He’ll reach you, I know it.”

Harumi hugged him again before he bid him a good night. Saeran watched him leave and sighed in relief; he wasn’t feeling as bad as he thought he would when he was leaving Haruka’s apartment. (That guy, Kibum…)

Saeyoung was still awake when he walked in. He greeted him and asked if he had any news. Saeran didn’t want to mention Kibum or Yoosung. (Saeyoung wasn’t there.) He just stuck to what Harumi had told him. Saeyoung seemed skeptical, but he didn’t ask about anything else.

“You should sleep now. You need rest,”

But Saeran didn’t need to be told so. He knew himself well, and he knew he had to rest as soon as he could, and for as long as he could—because he knew the anxiety he’d feel if he woke up and didn’t find Haruka’s message—

He showered as quickly as possible and headed to his room. He shouldn’t give anxiety a chance to attack him. He must sleep.

He changed his mind soon after. As soon as his phone buzzed, his heart raced. He checked it, and he almost gasped—it was Haruka!

 

**Haruka:** Hey. Uh…I’m sorry about last night…Do you want to talk about it?

**Haruka:** I promise I’ll answer all your questions. But give me a week. Okay?

 

Saeran couldn’t believe what he was reading. Was it really that easy?

 

**Saeran:** Take all the time you need. :)

**Haruka:** I’m glad. I really am.

**Haruka:** I’ll tell you when I’m ready.

**Haruka:** Please wait for me.

 

Saeran smiled. Now he could sleep without worrying. Haruka was going to tell him everything—there was no need to force him for answers or to try and dig up information. Everything was going to be over soon.

Saeran felt a tingle in his body—he was excited. He wished the week would go by as quick as his walk with Harumi did; he wanted to hear everything, no matter how shocking it might be.

But what if Haruka comes to a conclusion he doesn’t want to be Saeran’s friend—

_No! No thoughts like that before sleep._

He closed his eyes and tugged at his duvet. He buried himself with it and took a deep breath. He was going to sleep. No anxiety as going to stop him. There was no need for anxiety anymore. He was going to find out everything soon.

All he had to do was wait…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting a anxious; I haven't actually finished a posted work before. I hope I can pull it off. For my readers!!
> 
> I seem to mention this a lot, but I really appreciate everyone who's reading this. It doesn't matter whether you like it or hate it; I still appreciate you. ^^
> 
> I'll try to update soon. I need to be free to study. (And to write a fic for Yoosung's birthday too.) See ya!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are...the final chapter. I'm worried I might have messed up. I hope it's not too much, though.
> 
> This chapter is long, and has a lot of dialogue. Also, you're free to point out mistakes and stuff; that would really help. Next time, I'll plan my projects better, I promise. ^^
> 
> I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> (Also, Saeran might seem a bit out of character. I think I might have stayed away from this project too long. XD)

Saeran knew Haruka was very precise when it came to time and work, but he never actually expected Haruka to call him exactly one week after they last spoke—through texts. By exactly, Saeran meant _exactly_ —not a second earlier or later. Saeran could imagine Haruka waiting patiently, holding his phone and watching the clock till every arm was in position.

It was a little too funny—especially with Haruka’s serious face.

“Hello?” Saeran answered, trying to sound clear. He had woken up a few minutes earlier—he fell asleep while sketching. It was the first time in months.

“Hi—I mean hey! Ugh…” Haruka muttered something then breathed audibly. “Hello, Choi Saeran,”

Was he drunk or something? It didn’t quite sound like Haruka.

“Are you okay?”

Apparently, worrying about Haruka seemed to have become a habit. For all Saeran knew, Haruka could be doing drugs and no one would find out—except perhaps Harumi. (Okay, maybe that was a far-fetched example…)

“I am—just tired,”

Then how is that okay? Or was it another type of ‘tired’ that Saeran didn’t know? (He imagined what he’d feel once he came back home from a visit to a very crowded mall.)

“How’s your day so far?” Haruka asked. He sounded fine—pleasant; almost like he was smiling.

“Good, you?”

“Great! I managed to find someone who sold a typewriter! It was a bit expensive, but I’ve always wanted one.” He said then laughed. “I should hide it from Kibum, though.”

“Why do you need a typewriter?”

He was met by silence. He almost laughed.

“…I just wanted one,” Haruka answered quietly. “But that’s not the point, anyway. I think…I’m ready to tell you everything.”

Saeran sat up a little. He couldn’t hold back the surprise and mild excitement in his voice. “Everything?”

“Yes. I’ll answer all you questions.”

“Haruka…are you okay with that?”

Regardless, Saeran didn’t want Haruka to force himself to reveal anything. He had a feeling Haruka might leave forever once everything is in the light. He wouldn’t feel good about that—that’s not what he wanted.

“Yes. You deserve to know. I wasn’t supposed to hide it, anyway.”

Saeran heard a tone he couldn’t really recognize, but he placed it somewhere between fear and helplessness. Haruka wasn’t okay, was he?

“Haruka, if you need more time—”

“Meet me at 6. I’ll send you the address.”

Saeran decided not to press it—if this was Haruka’s decision, then Saeran shouldn’t be the one at fault, right?

“Okay then…See you later.”

Haruka laughed. It sounded warm—unusually warm. “I can’t wait to see you,”

Haruka hung up first. Saeran sighed. He was a few steps away from figuring out everything behind Haruka’s actions. Somewhere deep down, he felt that whatever Haruka was going to reveal would be shocking. He checked the clock—it was almost 5. He had an hour to prepare himself—mentally.

He just hoped it wasn’t going to end like every time he and Haruka met up.

* * *

Saeran was sure something was off. Why? He wasn’t sure, but he found Haruka’s request to meet him at the ice cream shop where they first met a bit peculiar. Maybe Haruka liked to do that kind of thing—like in movies? Maybe he wanted to go like, ‘It all started here…’

But that’s not what’s important.

Haruka was already there. He was sitting on the table where they once sat across each other, back when Saeran felt all tense and bothered. He could feel something grip his chest, but he couldn’t place it.

He walked into the shop. Haruka looked up from his phone, and he smiled. Something…was different. His face looked different. Saeran tried to look like he didn’t notice anything yet, but as he came closer, it was hard not to be worried. If he dared assume, he’d say these were burn marks…

“Surprised?” Haruka asked as Saeran sat down. Saeran didn’t know whether nodding would be rude, but he just nodded anyway. Haruka laughed a little. “…I thought you’d be…I didn’t feel like hiding them today, to be honest.”

Unlike how he sounded on the phone, Haruka didn’t sound okay. It was like he was…afraid?

“So, are you ready to hear everything?”

“Are you ready to reveal everything?”

Haruka nodded. “You don’t have to be considerate of me—I put you through a lot of trouble.” He said. “Or…do you think I can’t actually resolve my feelings in a week…?”

Saeran couldn’t read the tone of the question. He didn’t know what to say—he didn’t trust Haruka would be able to resolve _everything_ , but that didn’t mean he was going to give him a chance to explain.

But why did Haruka always ask trust-related questions like that?

“…I’ll listen to you…”

The smile that appeared on Haruka’s face eased the tension a little. Saeran couldn’t see his eyes clearly—Haruka probably hid his burns with is hair. Saeran wasn’t going to say anything—asking Haruka to remove his hair away so that Saeran can read his eyes sounded too weird, anyway.

“Ask me anything; I’ll answer,”

Was he really…going to answer?

“…Why is your name different…?”

Haruka smiled a little. “I was brought up somewhere away from here. Then things happened… and I had to return to my real family—the people I’m living with now.”

“What kind of things?”

Haruka’s eyes—or the eye that Saeran could see—never moved. He kept his gaze locked with Saeran’s as he answered, in a low voice. “I killed…”

Saeran had to rest the urge to look around him, just to make sure no one had heard them. The shop was busy, so their voices couldn’t actually be overheard, but Saeran just wanted to make sure.

“Killed…?”

“It was an accident,” Haruka went on. “I almost got sentenced to death when Harumi—somehow—proved I was innocent. I don’t know what he did, though.”

He spoke casually, with one hand fiddling with his earphones, and the other resting on the table.

“And…are you really innocent…?”

At this, Haruka smiled.

“…No…”

Saeran could swear his heart almost stopped.

“What…?”

“I wanted to protect myself—so I killed…”

“Then it’s self-defense,”

“Well, does that change the fact two people died because of me?”

Saeran opened his mouth to say something, but he found no words. Something within him stirred—a feeling of guilt he had been keeping dormant. He…also killed before…but he had never though—at least recently—about it. V died because of him—but he deserved it, right?

Right?

“My family didn’t want me anymore—they thought I was dangerous. Luckily, my father—my real father—offered to take me back.” He went on, looking away from Saeran. “I was put under supervision for a year—I studied at a boarding school at the time. Until all arrangements were made, and I was officially back to my real family—those nice people you’ve met.”

“But your brother is dead—”

Saeran paused, but it was probably a bit too late. Haruka had heard him, and he frowned. “Ah, yes…Kihyun…”

The way he said the name was much different from how he voiced Kibum’s—almost like he missed him. “Kihyun is…why my life is like this now…”

Saeran scooted a little closer to the table, throwing a quick glance around the shop. There were less people now.

“Were you two close…?”

“Very—we thought we could both help each other deal with life,” Haruka paused, took a deep breath and continued. “He was one of my teachers at the boarding school I attended—back when I didn’t know we were related. And after I moved away, all my friends were left behind—I found myself amongst people I didn’t know. Kihyun and Harumi were the only people I could talk to.”

Familiarity washed over Saeran—except that when he ‘returned’ to his brother, the only person he could talk to was himself. (Like, before sleep, mentioning all the bad things he’d done in his life and how he was useless and so on.)

“Back then, Harumi and I competed over studying—which one of us can get into the best university and so on. Harumi got into SKY on a scholarship, and I had to pay—unfortunately.”

“He must be really smart, then.”

“And he had a goal—I didn’t. I wasn’t very interested in school,” Haruka said with a shrug. “I’m more into music,” he smiled. “That’s one thing my mother supported without thinking twice,”

“You never mentioned that before,”

“I didn’t want to seem like I wanted to show off,”

Understandable—it took Saeran three months to show his brother some of his old sketches—not even ones that he drew at the time. He didn’t want to seem like he wanted Saeyoung’s attention—no matter how absurd it sounded, it was a valid reason, since it gave him so much trouble. (Saeyoung would probably say otherwise, though.)

“Then what about school?”

“I was doing okay,” Haruka leaned back in his chair and looked around casually. Saeran did the same—the shop was growing quiet. “At least at first—until Kihyun decided to it was time to leave…It wasn’t only a shock to me. In fact,” he leaned towards the table. “I wasn’t as shocked as when my father announced he couldn’t live with us anymore.”

So Kihyun’s death…

“Your mother said you got upset over Kihyun,”

“I did, but he chose to kill himself—there’s nothing I could do about it,” Haruka said. He sounded annoyed. “I was angry—I mean how could he betray my trust and leave like that? But then, father left too…”

“So…” Saeran glanced again around the shop—it was far too quiet and he was sure the shop assistant could hear them. “Your father leaving is why you started to neglect school?

“And music, and food, and people—everything,” Haruka said. His voice sounded weaker than it was few moments ago. “It was like I lost my footing—everything collapsed.”

“But you said you keep in touch with him,”

“Yes, but he doesn’t have the time to see me; I can’t get the support I need from him—or so I thought back then…” Haruka trailed off. “This gets us to where this all started—when I first met Yoosung.”

Saeran’s heart was pounding—he was scared. He remembered Kibum’s words about how Haruka ‘used’ Yoosung, and about how Haruka was going to leave Saeran once his friends are back. And the expression on Haruka’s face was making it worse—why did he look guilty?

_Relax, Saeran. You’re just not reading the expression correctly…_

But he wished that were the case.

“My father was invited to this fundraising party, held by some organization called the RFA,” Haruka said. “That was about two years ago. He asked me to attend as his assistant, and I agreed—it was a good chance to meet up with him.”

“And that’s where you met Yoosung for the first time,” Saeran concluded. “So he’s known you for more than a year,”

“Yes,”

“And did you know Saeyoung too?”

“...Yes,”

Saeran searched Haruka’s face for a sign, but there was no use—Haruka wasn’t lying to him. But if Haruka knew Saeyoung, then why didn’t Saeyoung say anything?

“But—”

“I know it’s confusing, but bear with me,” Haruka said, smiling gently. “…I got myself into a mess and realized it when I was too late. It’ll make sense, I promise,”

Saeran didn’t quite believe that, but he nodded and smiled—or tried to—in reassurance. He had to make Haruka feel comfortable telling him everything; especially why Saeyoung didn’t mention anything about him…

“My father and that musical actor—Zen, I think—were discussing something related to a musical based on one of my father’s books. I really didn’t want to engage with anything, but this Zen guy really doesn’t take no for an answer. Suddenly, every member of the RFA knew me.”

“Yes, Zen does that…” Saeran nodded.

“Yoosung was a brunette back then, and that was kinda what made me interested—and why Kibum said I used him,” Haruka said. “Yoosung looked _exactly_ like someone I was…emotionally attached too…”

Haruka looked like he was trying to pick his words carefully. It felt like there was more to ‘emotionally attached’ than he wanted to show.

“…You used him as a replacement…”

“Uh…y-yeah…” Haruka said in a quiet voice. He didn’t meet Saeran’s eyes again. Instead, he looked at the table, and Saeran could glimpse the burns near his left eye…

“But why?” Saeran asked. “What made you think this was a good idea?”

“I was lonely,” Haruka answered straight away. “I thought that if I keep him close, I might be able to replace some of the emptiness I felt,” he paused and smiled. “There were differences between Yoosung and that person, but I was willing to overlook that.”

“Did Yoosung know…?”

“I think he did, but he didn’t mention anything until he started college,” Haruka said with a shrug. “He said he dyed his hair to get a girlfriend, but I’m sure he wanted me to see him as a person, not a replacement. And guess what? It worked!” he paused and smiled a little, but then a frown replaced it. “…and I felt like shit. How could force him to be with me just because he looked like _him_?”

A low laugh of disdain left Haruka’s lips, and he was leaning on the table with his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry…I know it’s a lot to take in.”

“Yoosung didn’t stop being your friend,” Saeran pointed out. Haruka glanced at him and stared for a while.

“Yes…He said he liked me,” he replied. “I don’t know why, but he wasn’t mad at me. He seemed…happy,”

“Because you realized he was a person with feelings?”

“I think, yeah. But shouldn’t he hate me then?”

“Yoosung wouldn’t hate you if you’re honest with him,” Saeran said. That was why he hated V, right? Because he couldn’t trust him. “He trusts you,”

“Trust is a beautiful word,” Haruka remarked, turning his gaze to his hands. He stayed silent for a while, and Saeran thought he might have to get his attention back to the topic.

“But how is this related to me…?”

Haruka was silent for a minute, and then he laughed louder than Saeran expected. “Yoosung thought that if I manage to get close to you, I might learn to be independent of attaching myself to people’s appearance but he didn’t know—you also look like a friend of mine. Isn’t that awesome?”

He was definitely being sarcastic.

“But you didn’t seem attached to me at first—you even ignored me for a day,”

“I didn’t want to get attached—back then I didn’t want to be your friend at all,” Haruka said, and the smile on his face made Saeran feel…heavy. Haruka was pretending…?

_No…that can’t be… Haruka was sincere…_

_But Haruka himself just told you that, idiot._

_No…he didn’t_ say _he was pretending—you came to that conclusion on your own._

_But if he didn’t want to be your friend, the he was pretending to like you._

_He's explaining—things have changed..._

“Saeran…?”

He hadn’t realized he was leaning over the table, with a hand on his heart. Judging by Haruka’s tone, he was worried. But should Saeran really trust his tone? Now that he knew—

“I’m sorry, Saeran. That was the wrong way to phrase it,”

But it was too late. Saeran took breaths as deep as he could. It worked, but it was a slow process. Only when a bowl of ice cream was placed in front of him that he found a distraction. Did Haruka order ice cream for him?

“It’s not that I hated you, Saeran…” he heard Haruka say—his voice was close and low, like he was right next to him. “…I was scared—I thought I might hurt you as well…”

He felt a cold hand touch his shoulder. It sent a shock-like sensation through his body. He jolted and the hand moved away. His shoulder tingled a little, and he felt numb.

“…then why did you stay…?”

“You said it yourself—you texted me first,” Haruka replied, moving back to his place and pushing the bowl towards Saeran. “I didn’t want you to think Yoosung was lying to you,”

“Then you told me you wanted to meet up…”

“Yes; I was looking for something to drive you away, and I thought that voicing my deepest feelings would do the trick—but you thought _you_ were the one at fault; you thought _you_ hurt me.” Haruka paused. “You cared about me, and I was scared.”

“Scared because I was worried?”

“I was scared of getting attached to you,” Haruka took the spoon next to the bowl and handed it to Saeran. “I didn’t want to hurt you. Now, Yoosung tried to hide the fact I was trying to drive you away. But when he called me that night before the assignment…”

“…I heard you…” Saeran finished. He took a spoonful of ice cream, but he couldn’t pay attention to the taste. He felt very complicated. He was supposed to be finding out stuff, right? Why was it that every time Haruka spoke, Saeran felt heavier…?

“…When Yoosung didn’t answer me, I thought I upset him—you were his friend after all,”

“So he wasn’t mad because of the assignment?”

“No.”

“So you only visited me to make up with Yoosung…?”

 Haruka didn’t answer him. Something deep within Saeran wished he would deny that—Saeran can’t have gotten worried and worked up and anxious over someone who didn’t want to be his friend…

“I’m sorry…”

“What do you mean?” Saeran asked, and his voice shook. “What will I do with this apology? Do you expect me to smile and nod?”

“No, I—”

“Do you have any idea how anxious I was because of you?!”

Saeran stood up. His body was shaking, and his heart was beating fast. And he knew that, in few moments, he might cry.

_Don't overreact, Saeran..._

“What the fuck were you thinking?!”

Haruka said nothing—he just looked at Saeran. He looked blank.

“Answer me!”

“…That’s not what I meant…” Haruka said quietly. His eyes met Saeran’s and Saeran had to stop for a second to look at Haruka’s face. His hair was pushed away from his eyes and, much to Saeran’s shock; the burn marks on the left side of his face were completely visible.

“You—”

“Didn’t I tell you? I wanted to push you away so you wouldn’t get hurt,” Haruka continued. “I knew you were suffering, and I knew I’m not the right person to befriend you. Yoosung thought we get along, but I knew this needed more than just ‘getting along’. This needed patience, from both you and me, and I have none.”

Saeran fell speechless; Haruka was right. Saeran didn't have patience to deal with himself, let alone other people (but at least he tried rather than turning away). He sat down as he felt he might lose his balance, but it made nothing better—his head felt way lighter than it should. He couldn’t see Haruka clearly anymore.

“But I knew I couldn’t back out,” Haruka went on. Did he not see Saeran’s state? Or was he trying to ground him? “You were trying your best—and I was in too deep. I kept telling myself that I was doing this for you, until it was natural for me to worry about you.”

He brought his chair next to Saeran and touched his hair, running his fingers through gently. Saeran hated how this managed to calm him down. He didn’t want to calm down; he wanted to explode and tell Haruka exactly how he felt—confused and frustrated!

“And I thought to myself, ‘Maybe if I do a really good job, I might actually be able to make a friend!’ But you couldn’t see that behind the mask I donned.” Haruka said. His voice was back to its pleasant tone. “That’s why I asked you to stay over—and why I asked you to come over for dinner. I was starting to think positively—then Kibum happened.”

“Kibum…” Saeran said, trying to find his voice again. Haruka’s hand still ran through his hair. “Kibum thought you were using me like you used Yoosung—”

“Exactly—he thought I was making you dependent on me, so that I can feel better about myself.”

“And were you?”

“No—I wanted to be a person who gives you something useful—support or motivation or things of similar caliber,” Haruka said with a laugh. “I didn’t want to be on the receiving end.”

“So, Kibum is lying…?”

“…I wouldn’t put it like that…” Haruka answered with a sigh. “Kibum was telling you what he saw; he’s not the type to lie,”

“You don’t hate him?” Saeran asked, glancing at Haruka. Haruka looked like he didn’t know what to say.

“…we just don’t get along,”

The shop assistant, whom Saeran had been unaware of till a few moments ago, seemed to be listening to them intently. She looked both worried and amused. Their eyes met, and she winked. Saeran tensed and looked away. Haruka noticed.

“Oh, look at the time. You should go home,”

What? That’s it?

“Wait, you—you don’t have anything else to say?”

Haruka gave him a surprised look. “No…That’s all.”

“Seriously?” Saeran sat up and waited for Haruka to say anything, but he didn’t. Saeran still felt a little confused. Was this really everything?

“Look; the whole thing stemmed from me not wanting to make the same mistake I made with Yoosung. You weren’t supposed to know about that, but Kibum couldn’t keep his mouth shut,” Haruka said, pulling his hand away to ruffle his own hair. “I wanted to pretend everything was under control, but I couldn’t. In the end, you got hurt, and I failed to protect you from myself.”

Saeran felt that he shouldn’t mention that Yoosung was the one who told him to talk to Kibum; he had a feeling, judging by Haruka’s tone, that it was never going to end well.

“I’m sorry…for yelling…”

Haruka shook his head. “That’s okay—I expected you’d be mad at me. I’m mad at myself,”

“...” Saeran couldn’t say anything, but he smiled—just a little. He wasn’t sure he found out everything, but he got away with the most important point—Haruka was trying to be a good person.

“Just like me…”

“What?”

Shit…what did I just say?

“N-never mind…”

“Okay—tell me when you’re ready,”

Saeran wasn’t sure if this was right—like, Haruka just told him his whole life story and he was unwilling to tell him about his own past. Haruka didn’t seem scared Saeran might leave him—then why was Saeran scared?

“We really need to go home,” Haruka said as he checked his phone. “Your brother must be worried.”

“Thank you,”

Haruka turned to him, confused. “What?”

“…Thank you for telling me all this,” Saeran said, sitting up straight. “…Even though I don’t think I got everything, I’m glad I know you’re a good person.”

“Aren’t you being too nice now?”

Saeran laughed a little. “Maybe,”

“So, we’re good…?”

To be honest, Saeran didn’t know if that was possible, but he was willing to give Haruka a chance. He wasn’t sure if it will work out. But Haruka was trying, and Saeran was trying too. If Haruka was right, all they needed was patience.

“…I'll give you a third chance, because I'm so nice...”

_And possibly naive too..._

Saeran didn’t completely comprehend what happened, but he felt a pair of arms around him. Of course, it was Haruka, but the fact his embrace was _warm_ made Saeran feel a bit surprised. Haruka’s hold was really comfortable.

“I’m happy. I really am,” he whispered. Saeran took a breath and smiled. Maybe he…really did the right thing. Sure, he knew better than to blindly trust Haruka…but he also knew that maybe—just maybe—it would end well. Haruka could learn from his mistakes, like he did with Yoosung.

All it took was patience…

Saeran returned home with two tubs of ice cream—the shop assistant presented them as a celebration for making up with Haruka. He felt satisfied, a little worried, and also extremely exhausted. Saeyoung greeted him as soon as he stepped into the bunker, but when he saw how tired Saeran was, he didn’t ask questions. He let Saeran shower and head to his room to sleep—he deserved it.

* * *

 

 **Yoosung:** How did it go?

 **Saeran:** Everything is fine now.

 **Saeran:** He told me everything, I think.

 **Saeran:** We’re good

 **Yoosung:** Did he…tell you about me…?

 **Saeran:** Ya

 **Yoosung:** Oh. Okay…

 **Yoosung:** I told he was a nice person.

 

Saeran hummed as he put the phone aside to finish his sketch—sketching Haruka was much harder than he thought, especially that he had no references of him. He was starting to think it was poorly planned, but finishing it wasn’t hurting anyone.

His phone buzzed again; it was Haruka.

 

 **Haruka:** Yo yo!

 **Haruka:** How are you feeling today?

 **Saeran:** Good. Just a little tired.

 **Haruka:** :O

 **Haruka:** Tired can’t be good. You should rest. :D

 

Was he nagging him now?

 

 **Saeran:** I’m sketching you right now.

 **Haruka:** Can you sketch a puppy the looks like Yoosung next to me?

 

Saeran laughed aloud and before he could reply, Haruka sent another text.

 

 **Haruka:** Saeran…

 **Haruka:** I want to be a friend you can rely on.

 **Haruka:** A friend that will never hurt you or let you down.

 **Haruka:** I don’t know if I can, but I’m willing to try.

 **Haruka:** Will you let me be that friend to you?

 

Saeran couldn’t stop the smile growing on his face. He felt warm—just like he felt when Yoosung first offered to teach him how to play LOLOL so he wouldn’t have to be lonely while Saeyoung worked.

 

 **Saeran:** Aww… How cute… ;D

 **Haruka:** -__-

 **Haruka:** You ruined the moment. -_-

 **Haruka:** You fucked it.

 **Saeran:** You’re welcome. ;)

 

Haruka didn’t send anything else—Saeran knew he will talk to him later, just when he’s sure Saeran won’t pester him. Saeran thought Haruka should be happy—Saeran hadn’t felt this good and free in a while. He felt…liberated; like he didn’t have to worry anymore.

Of course, he knew he would worry later, but he was going to enjoy this feeling of freedom while it lasted. His only worry was that he’d suddenly wake up in his room to find that all this was just a dream.

_No! Stop it, Saeran. Be worry-free for once._

Yes, he shouldn’t worry—he deserved a break. How would he deal with whatever the future was going to hurl at him if he didn’t take a break now?

The finished the sketch and smiled, proud of his work. It was an unusual sensation, but he liked it. He couldn’t wait to show this to Haruka and Yoosung—yes, he sketched the puppy.

Haruka’s response was positive, and Yoosung seemed to feel attacked and proud at the same time. (Yoosung managed to make the strangest combinations of emotions.) Either way, Saeran was happy—everything was fine.

_Pray for better days to come…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a slight chance I might post an epilogue some time during the next few weeks. I'm not completely sure yet.
> 
> So...It's over now. I didn't want to start a new multi-chaptered project without finishing this one, because there was a chance I might not get back to it. Then again, I messed up near the end, anyway. 
> 
> There is little chance of me posting works related to this project, so if you feel unsatisfied by something related to this chapter, or if there are any questions that you want an answer for, feel free to ask.
> 
> Also, I'm thankful to everyone who's kept up with this project. Thank you for giving me a reason to not abandon it. (I was very close to deleting it, to be honest.) I'm sorry if the ending wasn't good, but I couldn't do better; I'm not a good writer, anyway.
> 
> But that's not important. If you liked this, then I appreciate your kindness. And if you didn't like it, I will still appreciate the fact you read through to the end.
> 
> Good day/night to you!


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